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Little Masterpieces 

Edited by Bliss Perry 



JONATHAN SWIFT 

SELECTIONS FROM 

The Journal to Stella A Tale of a Tub 

Personal Letters and Gulliver's Travels 

TOGETHER JVITH 

The Drapier's Letters — L 
Sleeping in Church A Modest Proposal 




NEW YORK 

DOUBLEDAV, PAGE & COMPANY 

1901 



VW'^' 



THP LiBRARY OF 
OONGRESS, 

Two CuHiM Received 

DEC. 9 1901 

CePYRIQHT ENTRY 

CLASS C^^XXCv NO. 
COPY B. 



Copyright, 1901, by 

DOUBLEDAY, PaGE & CoMPANY 



CONTENTS 



Editor's Introduction, . • . vii 

Journal to Stella: 

Selected Passages, .... 3 

Personal Letters: 

To Lord-Treasurer Oxford, . • 35 

To Lord Bolingbroke, ... 37 

To Mr. Pope, 4.2 

To Mr. Worrall, .... 46 

To Mr. Pope, 4^9 

A Tale of a Tub: 

Of a Father and liis Three Sons, . 55 

Sleeping in Church, .... 73 

The Drapier's Letters, L, • • • 89 

A Modest Proposal, .... 109 
Gulliver's Travels: 

The Arrival in Lilliput, . . • 129 

The Diversions of the Court, . • 141 



Contents 



PAGE 



The Arrival in Brobdingnag, , . 145 
The King Enquires about England, 151 
The Philosophers of Laputa, . .160 
The English Yahoos, . . .173 

The Dean's Epitaph, .... 181 



Yl 



Editor's Introduction 



Editor's Introduction. 

The admirers of Swift who maj^ chance to 
turn the leaves of this httle voUime will be 
interested, I think, to find that it opens with 
passages from the "Journal to Stella." 
Many of the books in the Little Masterpieces 
series have contained personalia of one sort 
or another, but in none of the volumes hith- 
erto has the intimate life of the writer rep- 
resented been so emphasized in the order of 
selections. But readers who know Swift will 
recognize ^vhat is gained bj taking first of 
all a look at that strange writer's heart as it 
is revealed in his daily journal. Vivid as are 
its off-hand sketches of famous men and of 
Jyondon in a noteworthy era, the fascination 
of the "Journal to Stella" lies in the ex- 
traordinary picture it aflfords of Jonathan 
Swift. Readers who know him vaguely as 
the author of "Gulliver's Travels" and of 
some morose satire will do well to note the 
playful, affectionate, sunny side of the man's 
nature as he corresponds with Esther John- 
son about the trifles of each passing day. 
One's whole thought of Swift grows more 
tender and more just if he is approached 
through the "Journal." 

Next come a few letters to personal friends 



Editor's Introduction 

like Oxford, Bolingbroke, and Pope. Always 
an admirable letter-writer, Swift reveals new 
elements of his singular personality in each 
of the letters given here. These are followed 
by some brilliant pages from "A Tale of a 
Tub." "Good God!" Swift was heard mur- 
muring to himself in his sad old age, as he 
turned the pages of the "Tale," "what a 
genius I had when I wrote that book!" No 
one who reads understandingh' the parable 
of the Three Sons will deny the genius or the 
daring. 

Very few people are aware of the scrupu- 
lous fidelity w^ith w^hich Swift performed his 
ecclesiastical duties. His sermons are even 
less read than Sterne's, and 3'et there will be 
some readers of this book who will thor- 
oughly enjo}^ the Dean's wise and witt}^ and 
on the whole really edif^nng discourse on 
"Sleeping in Church." 

In the next two selections, the Dean is 
preaching politics ; blandly and with assumed 
simplicity in the first of the Drapier's Letters, 
savagely though with terrible calmness in 
his "Modest Proposal for Preventing the 
Children of Poor People in Ireland from 
being a Burden to their Parents." "The 
Drapier's Letters" made the Dean of St. 
Patrick's a national hero, fault\^ as some of 
his financial logic ma}'- have been; "The 
Modest Proposal" has won a fearful immor- 
tality in the literature of irony. 



Editor's Introduction 

Politics is also the inspiration of "Gulli- 
ver's Travels," though for nearly three 
hundred years children have been so persist- 
ently luckj^ as never to discover the real 
animus of the book. That it is a triumph of 
stor\'-telling everybody knows. It is writ- 
ten, like the books of Brobdingnag, in a 
style "clear, masculine, and smooth." But 
how much hatred and scorn that smooth 
style conceals from the innocent eyes of 
childhood ! I have given passages from each 
of the four voyages of Captain Lemuel Gul- 
liver, choosing from the repulsive fourth 
section only that chapter which describes 
the warfare of Christian Europe. 

Last of all, I have printed the Dean's 
epitaph, composed by his own hand. It sets 
a final seal upon the life and work of one of 
the most gifted and surely the most unhappy 
of English men of letters. 

Bliss Perry. 



Journal to Stella 



Journal to Stella. 
SELECTED PASSAGES. 

[Swift arrived in London in September, 1710, 
having been sent thither by the Irish bishops to 
look after the interests of the Irish (Protestant) 
Church. He remained until April, 1713, when he 
received his appointment as Dean of St. Patrick's, 
in recognition of his services both to the Church 
and to the Tory party, with whose leaders he 
had enjoyed two years of close intimacy. During 
his entire stay he wrote a daily letter, in journal 
form, to two women friends in Ireland. One of 
these friends was Esther Johnson (Stella), to 
whom he vv^as attached by a long and peculiar 
friendship; the other was her companion Mrs. 
Dingley. Swift's relations with Stella have been a 
constant puzzle to his biographers. There seems 
little if any evidence to prove that a marriage 
ceremony took place, as has been alleged, in 
1716. It is certain that they never lived together, 
and quite unnecessary to believe that they were 
bound by any tie save that of natural aifection. 
Of the sincerity of that affection, the Journal is 
ample proof 

These daily letters contain many abbreviations 
and catchwords whose significance is not always 
clear. They are full of the "little language," such 
as is spoken by a child. Swift often uses, instead 
of his own name, the letters Pdfr (possibly Poor 
dear foolish rogue). Stella is Ppt (Poor pretty 
thing). MD (my dears) usually stands for both 
Stella and Mrs. Dingley, but sometimes for Stella 
alone. Mrs. Dingley is indicated by ME (Madam 
Elderly), D, or DD. (Dear Dingley). 
3 



Swift 

For full explanation of such details, and for 
comment upon the mass of persons and events 
casually referred to in the Journal, the reader 
should consult the excellent annotated editions of 
Ryland and Aitken. The passages selected for this 
volume, however, need little or no comment. 
They give an unrivalled picture of London in the 
last years of Queen Anne. They show the great 
men of that age in their habit as they lived. But 
above all the pages of the Journal, opened any- 
where, reveal the heart of the strange and gifted 
man who penned them.] 

September 10,1710. To-daj'- 1 dined with 
lord Mountjo}^ at Kensington; saw my mis- 
tress, Oph}^ Butler's wife, who is grown a 
little charmless. I sat till ten in the evening 
with Addison and Steele : Steele will certainly 
lose his gazetteer's place, all the world de- 
testing his engaging in parties. At ten I 
went to the coffee-house, hoping to find 
lord Radnor, whom I had not seen. He was 
there; for an hour and a half we talked 
treason heartily against the Whigs, their 
baseness and ingratitude. And I am come 
home rolling resentments in my mind, and 
framing schemes of revenge: full of which 
(having written down some hints) I go to 
bed. I am afraid MD dined at home, because 
it is Sunday; and there was the little half- 
pint of wine; for God's sake be good girls, 
and all will be well. Ben Tooke was with 
me this morning. 

September 11. Seven morning. I am ris- 
ing to go to Jervis, to finish m}^ picture, and 
4 



Journal to Stella 

it is shaving day, so good morrow, MT> ; but 
do not keep me now, for I cannot sta^^ ; and 
pray dine with the dean, but do not lose 
your money. I long to hear from you, &c. 
— Ten at night. I sat four hours this morn- 
ing to Jervis, who has given my picture quite 
another turn, and now approves it entirely : 
but we must have the approbation of the 
town. If I were rich enough I would get a 
copy of it, and bring it over. Mr. Addison 
and I dined together at his lodgings, and I 
sat with him part of this evening ; and I am 
now come home to write an hour. Patrick 
observes that the rabble here are much more 
inquisitive in politics than in Ireland. Every 
day we expect changes, and the parliament 
to be dissolved. Lord Wharton expects every 
day to be out: he is working Uke a horse for 
elections ; and, in short, I never saw so great 
a ferment among all sorts of people. I had 
a miserable letter from Joe last Saturday, 
telling me Mr. Pratt refuses payment of his 
money. I have told it Mr. Addison, and will 
to lord Wharton; but I fear with no success. 
However, I will do all I can. 

September 14. To-day I saw Patty Rolt, 
who heard I was in town ; and I dined with 
Stratford at a merchant's in the citj^, where 
I drank the first tokay wine I ever saw ; and 
it is admirable, yet not to a degree I ex- 
pected. Stratford is worth a plumb, and is 
now lending the government forty thousand 
5 



Swift 

pounds; j^et we were educated together at 
the same school and university. We hear the 
chancellor is to be suddenly out, and sir 
Simon Harcourt to succeed him. I am come 
early home, not caring for the coffee-house. 

September 18. To-day I dined with Mr. 
Stratford at Mr. Addison's retirement near 
Chelsea ; then came to town ; got home early, 
and began a letter to the Tatler, about the 
corruption of style and writing, &c. ; and 
having not heard from you, am resolved this 
letter shall go to-night. Lord Wharton was 
sent for to town in might}^ haste by the 
duke of Devonshire ; they have some project 
in hand; but it will not do, for ever^^ hour 
we expect a thorough revolution, and that 
the ])arliament will be dissolved. W'hen you 
see Joe, tell him lord Wharton is too busy to 
mind any of his affairs; but I will get what 
good offices I can from Mr. Addison, and 
will write to-da^" to Mr. Pratt ; and bid Joe 
not to be discouraged, for I am confident he 
will get the money under any government; 
but he must have patience. 

October 7. I wonder when this letter will 
be finished: it must go b_v Tuesday', that is 
certain ; and if I have one from MD before, I 
will not answer it, that is as certain too! 
It is now morning, and I did not finish my 
papers for Mr. Harle\' last night; for you 
must understand Presto was sleepy, and 
made blunders and blots. Very pretty that 
6 



Journal to Stella 

I must be writing to young women in a 
morning fresh and fasting, faith. Well, good 
morrow to you ; and so I go to business, 
and lay aside this joaper till night, sirrahs. 
At night. — Jack Howe told Harley **that if 
there were a lower place in hell than another, 
it was reserved for his porter, who tells lies 
so gravely and with so civil a manner." 
This porter I have had to deal with, going 
this evening at four to visit Mr. Harley, by 
his own appointment. But the fellow told 
me no lie, though I suspected every word he 
said. He told me "his master was just gone 
to dinner, with much company, and desired 
I would come an hour hence," which I did, 
expecting to hear Mr. Harley was gone out ; 
but they had just done dinner. Mr. Harley 
came out to me, brought me in, and pre- 
sented me to his son-in-law lord Doblane ( or 
some such name), and his own son, and 
among others Will Penn the Quaker : we sat 
two hours drinking as good wine as you do ; 
and two hours more he and I alone ; where 
he heard me tell my business, entered into it 
with all kindness, asked for my powers, and 
read them ; and read likewise a memorial I 
had drawn up, and put it in his pocket to 
show the queen, told me the measures he 
would take, and, in short, said ever\^ thing I 
could wish; told me he must bring Mr. St. 
John, secretary of state, and me acquainted; 
and spoke so many things of personal kind- 
7 



Swift 

ness and esteem for me, that I am inclined 
half to believe what some friends have told 
me, that he would do everything to bring me 
over. He has desired to dine with me (what 
a comical mistake was that !) — I mean he has 
desired me to dine with him on Tuesdaj^ 
and, after four hours being with him, set me 
down at St. James's Coffeehouse in a hack- 
ney coach. All this is odd and comical, if 
you consider him and me. He knew my 
Christian name very well. I could not for- 
bear saying thus much upon this matter, 
although you will think it tedious. But I 
will tell you : you must know it is fatal to me 
to be a scoundrel and a prince the same day ; 
for being to see him at four, I could not en- 
gage im^self to dine at any friend's; so I 
went to Tooke to give him a ballad and dine 
with him, but he was not at home ; so I was 
forced to go to a blind chophouse, and dine 
for tenpence upon gill ale, bad broth, and 
three chops of mutton; and then go reeking 
from thence to the first minister of state. 
And now I am going in charity to send Steele 
a Tatler, v^'-ho is very low of late. I think I 
am civiller than I used to be, and have not 
used the expression of "you in Ireland" and 
"ire in England," as I did when I was here 
before, to j^our great indignation. The\' may 
talk of the you know what;* but, gad, if it 

* These words plainly refer to the "Tale of a 
Tub." 



Journal to Stella 

had not been for that I should never have 
been able to get the access I have had ; and 
if that helps me to succeed, then that same 
thing will be serviceable to the church. But 
how far we must depend upon new friends I 
have learnt by long practice, though I think, 
among great ministers, thej^ are just as good 
as old ones. And so I think this important 
day has made a great hole in this side of the 
paper; and the fiddle-faddles of to-morrov^ 
and Monday will make up the rest ; and, be- 
sides, I shall see Harley on Tuesday before 
this letter goes. 

October 20. To-day I went to Mr. Lewis, 
at the secretary's office, to know v\,"hen I 
might see Mr. Harley ; and by-and-by comes 
•up Mr. Harley himself, and appoints me to 
dine with him to-morrov^^ I dined with Mrs. 
Vanhomrigh, and went to wait on the two 
l?dy Butlers, but the porter answered they 
were not at home; the meaning v^^as, the 
youngest, lady Mary, is to be married to- 
morrow to lord Ashburnham, the best match 
now in England, twelve thousand pounds a 
year, and abundance of monej^. Tell me hov^ 
my Shower is liked in Ireland : I never knew 
anything pass better here. I spent the even- 
ing with Wortley Montague and Mr. Addi- 
son, over a bottle of Irish wine. Do they 
know anything in Ireland of my greatness 
among the Tories? Everybody reproaches 
me of it here; but I value them not. Have 
9 



Swift 

you heard of the verses about the Rod of 
Sid Hamet? Say nothing of them for your 
life. Hardly anybod}^ suspects me for them, 
only they think nobod}^ but Prior or I could 
write them. But I doubt they have not 
reached you. There is likewise a ballad, full 
of puns, on the Westminster election, that 
cost me half an hour: it runs, though it be 
good for nothing. But this is likewise a 
secret to all but MD. If you have them not, 
I will bring them over. 

October 23. I know it is neither wit nor 
diversion to tell 3'ou ever}' day where I dine, 
neither do I write it to fill my letter; but I 
fancy I shall, some time or other, have the 
curiosity of seeing some particulars how I 
passed my life when I was absent from MD 
this time; and so I tell you now that I 
dined to-day at Molesworth's, the Florence 
envo\^ ; then went to the coffee-house, where 
I behaved myself coldly enough to Mr. Addi- 
son, and so came home to scribble. We dine 
together to-morrow and next day by invita- 
tion; but I shall alter my behaviour to him, 
till he begs my pardon, or else we shall grow 
bare acquaintance. I am wear^^ of friends, 
and friendships are all monsters but MD's. 

November 11. I dined to-day, by invita- 
tion, with the secretary of state, Mr. St. 
John. Mr. Harley came into us before din- 
ner, and made me his excuses for not dining 
with us, because he was to receive people 
10 



Journal to Stella 

Avho came to propose advancing money to 
the government: there dined with us only 
Mr. Lewis, and Dr. Freind [a celebrated 
physician and philosopher,] that writ lord 
Peterborow's actions in Spain. I stayed 
with them till just now, between ten and 
eleven, and was forced again to give m\' 8th 
to the bellman, which I did with my own 
hands, rather than keep it till next post. 
The secretary used me with all the kindness 
in the world. Prior came in after dinner; 
and upon an occasion, he (the secretary) 
said, the best thing he ever read is not j^ours, 
but Dr. Swift's on Vanbrugh ; which I do not 
reckon so ver^^ good neither. But Prior was 
damped until I stuffed him with two or three 
compliments. I am thinking what a venera- 
tion we used to have for Sir William Temple, 
because he might have been secretarj^ of state 
at fifty; and here is a young fellow, hardly 
thirty, in that employment. His father is a 
man of pleasure, that walks the Mall, and 
frequents St. James's coffee-house, and the 
chocolate-houses,* and the young son is prin- 
cipal secretary of state. Is there not some- 
thing very odd in that? He told me, among 
other things, that Mr. Harley complained he 
could keep nothing from me, I had the way 
so much of getting into him. I knew^ that 
was a refinement ; and so I told him, and it 
was so: indeed it is hard to see these great 

*Sir Henry St. John, father of the Statesman. 
11 



Swift 

men use me like one who was their betters, 
and the puppies wnth you in Ireland hardly 
regarding me : but there are some reasons for 
all this, which I will tell you when we meet. 
At coming home I saw a letter from your 
mother, in answer to one I sent her two days 
ago. It seems she is in town; but cannot 
come out in a m.orning, just as you said, and 
God knows when I shall be at leisure in an 
afternoon ; for if I should send her a penny- 
post letter, and afterwards not be able to 
meet her, it would vex me ; and, besides, the 
days are short, and why she cannot come 
early in a morning before she is wanted I 
cannot imagine. I will desire her to let lady 
Giffard know that she hears I am in town, 
and that she would go to see me to inquire 
after you. I wonder she will confine herself 
so much to that old beast's humour. You 
know I cannot in honour see lad^^GiflTard, and 
consequently not go into her house. This I 
think is enough for the first time. 

November 19. I dined to-da}^ with poor 
lord Mountjo\^, who is ill of the gout ; and 
this evening I christened our coflTeeman El- 
liot's child; where the rogue had a most 
noble supper, and Steele and I sat among 
some scurvy company over a bowl of punch, 
so that I am come home late, young women, 
and cannot stay to write to little rogues. 

December 2. Steele, the rogue, has done 
the impudentest thing in the world ; he said 
12 



Journal to Stella 

something in a Taller, that we ought to use 
the word Great Britain, and not England, in 
common conversation ; as, the finest lady in 
Great Britain, &c. Upon this Rowe, Prior, 
and I sent him a letter, turning this into 
ridicule. He has to-day printed the letter, 
and signed it J. vS., M. P., and N. R., the first 
letters of our names. Congreve told me to- 
day he smoked it immediately. Congreve 
and I, and Sir Charles Wager, dined to-day 
at Delaval's, the Portugal envoy; and I 
stayed there till eight, and came home, and 
am now writing to you befi3re I do business, 
because that dog Patrick is not at home, 
and the fire is not made, and I am not in 
my gear. Pox take him : — 1 was looking by 
chance at the top of this side, and find I 
made plaguy mistakes in w^ords ; so that you 
must fence against that as well as bad want- 
ing. Faith, I cannot, nor will not read what 
I have written. (Pox of this puppy !) Well, 
I will leave you till I am got to bed, and 
then I will say a word or two. Well, it is 
now almost twelve, and I have been busy 
ever since, by a fire too (I have my coals by 
half a bushel at a time, I will assure you), 
and now I am got to bed. Well, and what 
have you to say to Presto now he is abed? 
Come, now, let us hear your speeches. No, 
it is a lie, lam not sleepy yet. Let us sit up 
a little longer, and talk. Well, where have 
you been to-day, that you are but just this 
13 



Swift 

minute come home in a coach? What have 
yon lost? Pa}^ the coachman, Stella. No, 
faith, not I, he will -grumble. What new 
acquaintance have vou got? come, let us 
hear. I have made Delaval promise to send 
me some Brazil tobacco from Portugal for 
jou, madam Dingle^^ I hope yon will have 
3^our chocolate and spectacles before this 
comes to you. 

December 17. I went to court to seek a 
dinner, but the queen was not at church, she 
has got a touch of the gout; so the court 
was thin, and I went to the coffee-house ; and 
sir Thomas Frankland and his eldest son and 
I went and dined with his son William. I 
talked a great deal to sir Thomas about 
Manle}^, and find he is his good friend, and 
so has Ned Southwell been, and I hope he 
will be safe though all the Irish folks here are 
his mortal enemies. There was a devilish 
bite to-day. They had it, I knew not how, 
that I was to preach this morning at St. 
James's church, and abundance went, among 
the rest lord Radnor, who never is abroad 
till three in the afternoon. I walked all the 
way home from Hatton-garden at six, by 
moonlight, a delicate night. Raymond called 
at nine, but I was denied, and now I am in 
bed between eleven and twelve, just going to 
sleep, and dream of my own dear roguish 
impudent prett\^ MD. 

January 2, 1711. I went this morning 
14 



Journal to Stella 

early to the secretary of state, Mr. St. John, 
and he told me from Mr. Harley, that the 
warrant was now drawn, in order for a 
patent for the first-fruits: it must pass 
through several offices and take up some 
time, because in things the queen gives they 
are always considerate ; but that he assures 
me it is granted and done, and past all dis- 
pute, and desires I will not be in Rny pain at 
all. I v/ill write again to the archbishop to- 
morrow, and tell him this, and I desire you 
will say it on occasion. From the secretary 
I went to Mr. Sterne, who said he would 
write to you to-night, and that the box must 
be at Chester, and that some friend of his 
goes very soon, and will carrj^ it over. I 
dined with Mr. secretary St. John, and at six 
went to DarteneuPs house to drink punch 
with him, and Mr. Addison, and little Harri- 
Gon, a young poet whose fortune I am mak- 
ing, Steele was to have been there, but came 
not, nor never did twice since I knew him to 
any appointment. I stayed till past eleven, 
and am now in bed. Steele's last Tatler 
came out to-da\'. You will see it before this 
comes to you, and how he takes leave of the 
world. He never told so much as Mr. Addi- 
son of it, w^ho w^as surprised as much as I; 
but to say the truth, it was time, for he 
grew cruel dull and dry. To my knowledge 
he had several good hints to go upon: but 
he was so lazy and weak of the work, that 
15 



Swift 

he would not improve them. I think I will 
send this after to-morrow : shall I before it is 
full, Dinglej? 

January 3. Lord Peterborow yesterday 
called me into a barber's shop, and there we 
talked deep politics: he desired me to dine 
with him to-day at the Globe in the Strand : 
he said he would show me so clearly how to 
get Spain, that I could not possibh^ doubt 
it. I went to-daj^ accordingly, and saw him 
among half a dozen la\\r\^ers and attorneys 
and hang-dogs, signing deeds and stuff be- 
fore his journey; for he goes to-morrow to 
Vienna. I sat among that scurvy company 
till after four, but heard nothing of Spain; 
onh^ I find b}' what he told me before, that 
he fears he shall do no good in his present 
journey. We are to be mighty constant cor- 
respondents. So I took my leave of him, and 
called at sir Andrew Fountaine's, who mends 
much. I came home an't please you at six, 
and have been studying till no\v past eleven. 

January 11. I am setting up a new Tat- 
ler, little Harrison, whom I have mentioned 
to \'ou. Others have put him on it, and I 
encourage him; and he was with me this 
morning and evening, showing me his first, 
which comes out on Saturday. I doubt he 
will not succeed, for I do not much approve 
his manner; but the scheme is Mr. Secretary 
St. John's and mine, and would have done 
well enough in good hands. I recommended 
16 



Journal to Stella 

him to a printer, whom I sent for, and set- 
tled the matter between them this evening. 
Harrison has just left me, and I am tired 
with correcting his trash. 

January 12. I was this morning upon 
some business with Mr. Secretary St. John, 
and he made me promise to dine with him, 
which otherwise I would have done with 
Mr. Harley, whom I have not been with these 
ten days. I cannot but think they have 
mighty difficulties upon them ; yet I always 
find them as easy and disengaged as school- 
boys on a holiday. Harley has the procuring 
of five or six millions on his shoulders, and 
the Whigs will not lend a groat ; which is the 
onl}^ reason of the fall of stocks; for they are 
like Quakers and fanatics, that will only deal 
among themselves, while all others deal in- 
differently w^ith them. Lady Marlborough 
offers, if they will let her keep her employ- 
ments, never to come into the queen's pres- 
ence. The Whigs say the duke of Marlbor- 
ough will serve no more; but I hope and 
think otherwise. I would to heaven I v^ere 
this minute with MD at Dublin; for I am 
weary of politics that give me such melan- 
choly prospects. 

January 14. faith, young woman, I 
want a letter from MD; it is now nineteen 
daj^s since I had the last ; and where have I 
room to answer it, pray? I hope I shall send 
this away without any answer at all ; for I 
2 17 



Swift 

will hasten it, and away it goes on Tuesday, 
by which time this side will be full. I will 
send it two days sooner on purpose out of 
spite, and the very next day after, you must 
know, your letter will come, and then it is 
too late, and I will so laugh, never saw the 
like! It is spring with us already, I ate 
asparagus the other da3\ Did you ever see 
such a frostless winter? Sir Andrew Foun- 
taine lies still extremely ill ; it costs him ten 
guineas a day to doctors, surgeons, and apoth- 
ecaries, and has done so these three weeks. 
I dined to-day with Mr. Ford: he some- 
times chooses to dine at home, and I am con- 
tent to dine with him : and at night I called 
at the coffee-house, where I had not been a 
week, and talked coldly awhile with Mr. 
Addison : all our friendship and deamess are 
off: we are civil acquaintance, talked words 
of course, of when we shall meet, and that is 
all. I have not been at any house with him 
these six weeks: the other day we were to 
have dined together at the comptroller's ; but 
I sent m}^ excuses, being engaged to the secre- 
tary of state. Is not it odd? But I think he 
has used me ill, and I have used him too 
well, at least his friend Steele. 

March 16. Have 3'ou seen the Spectator 
yet, a paper that comes out every day? It 
is written by Mr. Steele, who seems to have 
gathered new life, and have a new fund of 
wit ; it is in the same nature as his Tatlers, 
18 



Journal to Stella 

and they have all of them had something 
pretty. I beheve Addison and he club. I 
never see them ; and I plainly told Mr. Har- 
W and Mr. St. John ten days ago, before 
my lord-keeper and lord Rivers, I had been 
foolish enough to spend my credit with them 
in favour of Addison and Steele ; but that I 
would engage and promise never to say one 
word in their behalf, having been used so ill 
for what I had already' done. So, now I 
have got into the way of prating again, 
there will be no quiet for me. 

When Presto begins to prate, 
Give him a rap upon the pate. 

O Lord, how I blot; it is time to leave off, 
&c. 

March 19. I went to-day into the city, 
but in a coach, tossed up m^' leg on the seat ; 
and, as I came home, I went to see poor 
Charles Bernard's books, which are to be 
sold by auction, and I itch to lay out nine 
or ten pounds for some fine editions of fine 
authors. But it is too far, and I shall 
let it slip, as I usualh^ do all such oppor- 
tunities. I dined in a cofiee-house with Strat- 
ford upon chops, and some of his wnne. 
Where did MD dine? Why, poor MD dined at 
home to-day, because of the archbishop, and 
they could not go abroad, and had a breast 
of mutton and a pint of wine. I hope Mrs. 
Walls mends ; and pray give me an account 
19 



Swift 

what sort of godfather I made, and whether 
I behaved m^^self handsomel\^ The duke of 
Argyle is gone; and whether he has my 
memorial I know not, till I see Dr. Arbuth- 
not, to whom I gave it. That hard name 
belongs to a Scotch doctor, an acquaintance 
of the duke's and me; Stella cannot pro- 
nounce it. that we were at Laracor this 
fine day ! the w^illows begin to peep, and the 
quick to bud. My dream is out: I was 
dreaming last night that I eat ripe cherries. 
And now the^^ begin to catch the pikes, and 
"will shortly the trouts (pox on these min- 
isters), and I would fain know whether the 
floods were ever so high as to get over the 
hoU}^ bank or the river walk ; if so, then all 
my pikes are gone ; but I hope not. Whj^ do 
not you ask Parvisol these things, sirrahs? 
And then my canal, and trouts, and whether 
the bottom be fine and clear? But harkee, 
ought not Parvisol to pay in my last year's 
rents and arrears out of his hands? I am 
thinking, if either of you have heads to take 
his accounts, it should be paid into you; 
otherwise to Mr. Walls. I will write an 
order on the other side ; and do as you will. 
Here is a world of business ; but I must go 
sleep, I am drows}-, and so good night, &c. 
April 5. Morning. — Now let us proceed to 
examine a saucy letter fi-om one madam MD. 
God Almighty bless poor dear Stella, and 
send her a great man\' birthdays, all happy, 
20 



Journal to Stella 

and healthy, and wealthy, and with me ever 
together, and never asunder again, unless by 
chance. When I find you are happy or merry 
there, it makes me so here, and I can hardly 
imagine you absent when I am reading your 
letter or writing to 3'ou. No, faith, 3^ou are 
just here upon this little paper, and therefore 
I see and talk with you every evening con- 
stantly, and sometimes in the morning, but 
not always in the morning, because that is 
not so modest to ^^oung ladies. 

January 22. I went late to-daj^ to town, 
and dined with my friend Lewis. I saw Will 
Congreve attending at the treasury, by 
order, with his brethren, the commissioners 
of the wine-licenses. I had often mentioned 
him with kindness to lord-treasurer ; and Con- 
greve told me, that after they had answered 
to what they were sent for, m^^ lord called 
him privately, and spoke to him with great 
kindness, promising his protection, &c. The 
poor man said he had been used so ill of late 
years, that he was quite astonished at my 
lord's goodness, &c., and desired me to tell 
my lord so ; which I did this evening, and 
recommended him heartil}^ My lord assured 
me he esteemed him very much, and would 
be always kind to him; that what he said 
was to make Congreve easy, because he 
knew people talked as if his lordship designed 
to turn everybod}^ out, and particularly Con- 
greve; which indeed was true, for the poor 
21 



Swift 

man told me he apprehended it. As I left 
m\' lord-treasurer I called on Congreve, 
(knowing where he dined,) and told him 
what had passed between my lord and me: 
so I have made a worthy man eas}^, and that 
is a good da_y's work. I am proposing to 
my lord to erect a society or academy for 
correcting and settling our language, that 
we may not perpetually be changing as we 
do. He enters mightily into it, so does the 
dean of Carlisle ; and I design to write a let- 
ter to lord-treasurer w4th the proposals of 
it, and publish it ; and so I told my lord, and 
he approves of it. Yesterday's was a sad 
Examiner, and last week was very indif- 
ferent, though some little scraps of the old 
spirit, as if he had given some hints; but 
yesterday's is all trash. It is plain the hand 
is changed. 

November 2. It has rained all day with a 
continuendo, and I went in a chair to dine 
with Mrs. Van ; always there is a very rainy 
day. But I made a shift to come back afoot. 
I live a ver}^ retired life, pay very few visits, 
and keep but very little company ; I read no 
newspapers. I am sorr}^ I sent for the Ex- 
aminer, for the printer is going to print them 
in a small volume: it seems the author is 
too proud to have them printed by subscrip- 
tion, though his friends offered, they say, to 
make it worth five hundred pounds to him. 
The Spectators are likewise printing in a 
22 



Journal to Stella 

larger and smaller volume, so I believe they 
are going to leave them oiF, and indeed 
people grov^ weary of them, though they are 
often prettily written. We have had no news 
for me to send you now tov^ard the end of 
my letter. The queen has the gout a little; 
I hoped the lord-treasurer v^^ould have had it 
too, but Radcliffe told me yesterday it was 
the rheumatism in his knee and foot ; how- 
ever, he mends, and I hope will be abroad in 
a short time. I am told they design giving 
away several employments before the parlia- 
ment sits, which will be the 13th instant. I 
either do not like or not understand this 
policy ; and if lord-treasurer does not mend 
soon, they must give them just before the 
sessions. But he is the greatest procrasti- 
nator in the world. 

January 1, 1712. Now I wish my dearest 
little MD many happy new ^^ears ; yes, both 
Dingley and Stella, ay, and Presto too, many 
happy new years. I dined with the secretary, 
and it is true that the duke of Marlborough 
is turned out of all. The duke of Ormond 
has got his regiment of foot-guards, I know 
not who has the rest. If the ministry be 
not sure of a peace, I shall wonder at this 
step, and do not approve it at best. The 
queen and lord-treasurer mortally hate the 
duke of Marlborough, and to that he owes 
his fall, more than to his other faults : unless 
he has been tampering too far with his 
23 



Swift 

party, of which I have not heard an}' par- 
ticulars; however it be, the world abroad 
will blame us. I confess mv belief that he 
has not one good quality in the world be- 
side that of a general, and even that I have 
heard denied by several great soldiers. But 
we have had constant success in arms while 
he commanded. Opinion is a mighty matter 
in war, and I doubt the French think it im- 
possible to conquer an army that he leads, 
and our soldiers think the same ; and how far 
even this step ma}'- encourage the French to 
pla\^ tricks with us, no man knows. I do 
not love to see personal resentment mix with 
public affairs. 

November 15. Before this comes to your 
hands you will have heard of the most ter- 
rible accident that hath almost ever hap- 
pened. This morning at eight m\' man 
brought me v^'ord that duke Hamilton had 
fought with lord Mohun, and killed him, and 
v^^as brought home wounded. 1 immediately 
sent him to the duke's house, in St. Janies's- 
square; but the porter could hardly answer 
for tears, and a great rabble was about the 
house. In short, they fought at seven this 
morning. The dog Mohun was killed on the 
spot; and, while the duke was over him, 
Mohun shortened his sword, stabbed him in 
at the shoulder to the heart. The duke \vas 
helped towards the cake-house by the ring in 
Hyde-park (where they fought), and died on 
24. 



Journal to Stella 

the grass, before he could reach the house; 
and was brought home in his coach by 
eight, while the poor duchess was asleep. 
Macartney and one Hamilton were the sec- 
onds, who fought likewise, and are both 
fled. I am told that a footman of lord 
Mohun's stabbed duke Hamilton, and some 
say Macartney did so too. Mohun gave the 
affront, and j'ct sent the challenge. I am in- 
finitely concerned for the poor duke, who 
w^as a frank, honest, good-natured man. I 
loved him very w^ell, and I think he loved me 
better. He had the greatest mind in the 
w^orld to have me go with him to France, 
but durst not tell it me; and those he did tell 
said I could not be spared, Avhich was true. 
They have removed the poor duchess to a 
lodging in the neighbourhood, v^'here I have 
been with her two hours, and am just come 
away. I never saw so melancholv a scene; 
for indeed all reasons for real grief belong to 
her; nor is it possible for anj'-body to be a 
greater loser in all regards. She has moved 
my very soul. The lodging was inconve- 
nient, and they would have removed her to 
another; but I would not suffer it, because 
it had no room backv^^ard, and she must 
have been tortured wdth the noise of the 
Grub-street screamers mentioning her hus- 
band's murder in her ears. 

December 12. I never go to a coffee-house 
nor a tavern, nor have I touched a card 
25 



Swift 

since I left Windsor. I make few visits nor 
go to levees; m^^ only debauch is sitting late 
where I dine, if I like the company. I have 
almost dropped the duchesses of Shrewsbury 
and Hamilton, and several others. Lord- 
treasurer, the duke of Ormond, and lady 
Orkne3'', are all that I see very often. O j^es, 
and lady Masham and lord Bolingbroke, and 
one or two private friends. I make no figure 
but at court, where I affect to turn from a 
lord to the meanest of my acquaintance, and 
I love to go there on Sundays to see the 
world. But, to say the truth, I am growing 
weary of it. I dislike a million of things in 
the course of public affairs ; and if I were to 
stay here much longer, I am sure I should 
ruin myself with endeavouring to mend them. 
I am every day invited into schemes of doing 
this, but I cannot find anv that will proba- 
bl}^ succeed. It is impossible to save people 
against their own will ; and I have been too 
much engaged in patchwork alread}^ Do 
you understand all this stuff? No. Well then, 
you are now returned to ombre and the 
dean, and Christmas; I wish you a very 
merry one; and pray don't lose your money, 
nor play upon Watt Welch's game. Night, 
sirrahs, it is late, I'll go to sleep; I don't 
sleep well, and therefore never dare to drink 
coffee or tea after dinner: but I am very 
sleepy in a morning. This is the effect of 
wine and years. Night, dearest MD. 
26 



Journal to Stella 

December 27. I dined to-day with general 
Hill, governor of Dunkirk. Lady Masham 
and Mrs. Hill, his two sisters, were of his 
company, and there have I been sitting this 
evening till eleven, looking over others at 
play ; for I have left off loving play myself; 
and I think Ppt is now a great gamester. 
I have a great cold on me, not quite at its 
height. I have them seldom, and therefore 
ought to be patient. I met Mr. Addison and 
Pastoral Philips on the Mall to-day, and 
took a turn with them ; but they both looked 
terribly dry and cold. A curse of jDarty! 
And do you knovk^ I have taken more pains 
to recommend the Whig wits to the favour 
and mercy of the ministers than any other 
people. Steele I have kept in his place. 
Congreve I ha.ve got to be used kindly, and 
secured. Rowe I have recommended, and 
got a promise of a place. Philips I should 
certainly have provided for, if he had not run 
party mad, and made me withdraw my 
recommendations ; and I set Addison so right 
at first, that he might have been employed, 
and have partly secured him the place he 
has ; yet I am worse used by that faction 
than any man. Well, go to cards, sirrah 
Ppt, and dress the wine and orange, sirrah, 
Me,* and I'll go sleep. It is late. Night, 
MD. 

February 13. I was to see a poor poet, 
*Here Me plainly means Dingley. 
27 



Swift 

one Mr. Diaper, in a nasty garret very sick. 
I gave him twenty guineas from lord Boling- 
broke, and disposed the other sixty to two 
other authors, and desired a friend to receive 
the hundred pounds for poor Harrison, and 
will carry it to him to-morrow morning. I 
sent to see how he did, and he is extremeh^ 
ill ; and I am very much afflicted for him, as 
he is mj^ own creature, and in a ver\^ honour- 
able post, and very worthy of it. I dined in 
the city. I am much concerned for this poor 
lad. His mother and sister attend him, and 
he wants nothing. Night, dear MD. 

February 14. I took Parnell this morning, 
and we walked to see poor Harrison. I had 
the hundred pounds in my pocket. I told 
Parnell I was afraid to knock at the door; 
ni}^ mind misgave me. I knocked, and his 
man in tears told me his master was dead 
an hour before. Think what grief this is to 
me ! I went to his mother and have been 
ordering things for his funeral, with as little 
cost as possible, to-morrow at ten at night. 
Lord-treasurer was much concerned when I 
told him. I could not dine with lord-treas- 
urer, nor an\^where else; but got a bit of 
meat towards evening. No loss ever grieved 
me so much: poor creature! Pray God Al- 
mighty bless poor MD. Adieu. I send this 
away to-night, and am sorry it must go 
while I am in so much grief. 

April 1. Parnell and I dined with Darti- 
28 



Journal to Stella 

neuf to-day. You have heard of Dartineuf : 1 
have told you of Dartineuf. After dinner we 
all went to lord Bolingbroke's, who had de- 
sired me to dine with him, but I would not, 
because I had heard it was to look over a 
dull poem of one Parson Trap upon the 
peace. The Swedish envoy told me to-day at 
court that he was in great apprehensions 
about his master, and indeed we are afraid 
that prince [Charles XII.] is dead amongst 
those Turkish dogs. I prevailed on lord 
Bolingbroke to invite Mr. Addison to dine 
with him on Good Friday'. I suppose we 
shall be mighty mannerly. Addison is to 
have a play on Friday in Easter week: 'tis 
a tragedy called Cato; I saw it unfinished 
some years ago. Did I tell you that Steele 
has begun a new daily paper called the 
"Guardian"? they say good for nothing. I 
have not seen it. Night, dear MD. 

April 16. Mr. Lewis tells me that the duke 
ofOrmund has been to-day with the queen; 
and she was content that Dr. Sterne should 
be bishop of Dromore and I dean of St. 
Patrick's ; but then out came lord-treasurer, 
and said he would not be satisfied, but that 
I must be prebendary of Windsor. Thus he 
perplexes things. I expect neither ; but I con- 
fess, as much as I love England, I am so 
angry at this treatment, that, if I had my 
choice, I would rather have St. Patrick's. 
Lady Masham sa3^s she will speak to the 
29 



Swift 

purpose to the queen to-morrow. Night, 
dear MD. 

April 17. I went to dine at Lad_v Mash- 
am's to-da}^, and she was taken ill of a sore 
throat, and anguish. She spoke to the queen 
last night, but had not much time. The 
queen says she will determine to-morrow 
with lord-treasurer. The warrants for the 
deaneries are still stopped, for fear I should 
be gone. Do 3^ou think an3^thing will be 
done? I don't care whether it is or no. In 
the meantime I prepare for mv journey, and 
see no great people, nor will see lord-treas- 
urer any more, if I go. Lord-treasurer told 
Mr. Lewis it should be done to-night ; so he 
said five nights ago. Night, MD. 

April 18. This morning Mr. Lewis sent 
me word that lord-treasurer told him the 
queen would determine at noon. At three 
lord-treasurer sent to me to come to his 
lodgings at St. James's, and told me the 
queen was at last resolved that Dr. Sterne 
should be bishop of Dromore and I dean of 
St. Patrick's; and that Sterne's warrant 
should be drawn immediate^. You know 
the deanery is in the duke of Ormond's gift ; 
but this is concerted between the queen, lord- 
treasurer, and the duke of Ormond, to make 
room for me. I do not know whether it 
will 3'et be done ; some unluck\^ accident may 
yet come. Neither can I feel joy at passing 
my days in Ireland ; and I confess I thought 
30 



Journal to Stella 

the ministrj would not let me go; but per- 
haps they can't help it. Night, MD. 

April 19. I forgot to tell you that lord- 
treasurer forced me to dine with him j^ester- 
day as usual, with his Saturday company, 
which I did after frequent refusals. To-day 
I dined with a private friend, and was not 
at court. After dinner Mr. Lewis sent me 
word that the queen stayed till she knew 
whether the duke of Ormond approved of 
Sterne for a bishop. I went this evening and 
found the duke of Ormond at the cockpit, 
and told him, and desired he would go to the 
queen and approve of Sterne. He made ob- 
jections, and desired I would name any other 
deanery, for he did not like Sterne ; that 
Sterne never went to see him; that he was 
influenced by the archbishop of Dtiblin, &c. ; 
so all is now broken again. I sent for lord- 
treasurer, and told him this. He says all 
will be well; but I value not what he says. 
This suspense vexes me w^orse than anything 
else. Night, MD. 

April 20. I went to-day, by appointment, 
to the cockpit, to talk with the duke of 
Ormond. He repeated the same proposals of 
an\^ other deanery, &c. I desired he w^ould 
put me out of the case, and do as he pleased. 
Then, with great kindness, he said he would 
consent; but w^ould do it for no man alive 
but me, &c. And he Avill speak to the queen 
to-day or to-morrow ; so, perhaps, something 
31 



Swift 

will come of it. I can't tell. Night, own dear 
MD. 

April 21. The duke of Ormond has told 
the cjueen he is satisfied that Sterne should 
be bishop, and she consents I shall be dean ; 
and I suppose the warrants will be drawn in 
a day or two. I dined at an alehouse with 
Pamell and Berkelc}^ ; for I am not in humour 
to go among the ministers, though lord 
Dartmouth invited me to dine with him to- 
da}^ and lord-treasurer was to be there. I 
said I would if I were out of suspense. Night, 
dearest iMD. 

April 22. The queen says warrants shall 
be drawn, but she will dispose of all in 
England and Ireland at once, to be teased 
no more. This will delay it some time ; and, 
while it is delayed, I am not sure of the 
queen, my enemies being bus\^ I hate this 
suspense. Night, dear MD. 



32 



Personal Letters 



33 



Personal Letters. 
TO THE LORD-TREASURER OXFORD. 

[Written soon after Swift's return to Ireland. 
During his sojourn in London, described in the 
Journal to Stella, the Lord-Treasurer, Harley, 
who was the head of the Tory party, had shown 
him great consideration.] 

July 1, 1714. 

My Lord,— When I was with you I have 
said more than once that I would never al- 
low quality or station made any real dif- 
ference between men. Being now absent and 
forgotten, I have changed my mind : you 
have a thousand people who can pretend 
the\^ love you with as much appearance of 
sincerit^^ as I ; so that, according to common 
justice, I can have but a thousandth part in 
return of what I give. And this difference is 
v^holly owing to your station. And the mis- 
fortune is still the greater, because I always 
loved \'Ou just so much the worse for your 
station ; for in your public capacity you have 
often angered me to the heart, but, as a pri- 
vate man, never once. So that, if I only look 
towards myself, I could wish you a private 
man to-morrow ; for I have nothing to ask ; 
at least nothing that ^^ou will give, which is 
the same thing: and then ^^ou would see 
35 



Swift 

whether I should not with much more will- 
ingness attend you in a retirement, whenever 
you please to give me leave, than ever I did 
at London or Windsor. From these senti- 
ments I will never write to you, if I can help 
it otherwise, than as to a private person, or 
allow myself to have been obliged to j^ou in 
any other capacity. 

The memory of one great instance of your 
candour and justice I v^dll carry to my grave ; 
that, having been in a manner domestic with 
you for almost four years, it w^as never in 
the power of any public or concealed enemy 
to make j^ou think ill of me, though malice 
and envy were often emploj^ed to that end. 
If I live, posterity shall know that and more ; 
which, though you, and somebody that shall 
be nameless, seem to value less than I could 
wish, is all the return I can make 3^ou. Will 
you give me leave to say how I would de- 
sire to stand in your memory? As one who 
was truly sensible of the honour you did him, 
though he Avas too proud to be vain upon 
it; as one who was neither assuming, offi- 
cious, nor teasing; who never Avilfully mis- 
represented persons or facts to you, nor con- 
sulted his passions w^hen he gave a character ; 
and lastly, as one whose indiscretions pro- 
ceeded altogether from a weak head, and not 
an ill heart. I will add one thing more, 
which is the highest compliment I can make, 
that I never was afraid of offending 3'ou, nor 
36 



Personal Letters 

am now in any pain for the manner I write 
to you in. I have said enough ; and, hke one 
at 3^our levee, having made m^^ bo'w, I shrink 
back into the crowd. I am, &c. 



TO LORD BOLINGBROKE. 

[Henry St. John, created Viscount Bohngbroke 
in 1714, was Secretary of State from 1710 to 
1714v Upon the accession of George I. he fled to 
France and was for a while in the service of the 
Pretender. During Swift's stay in London, the 
two men had been intimately associated in Tory 
politics.] 

December 19, 1719. 

My Lord, — I first congratulate with you 
upon growing rich; for I hope our friend's 
information is true, omne solum diti patria. 
Eurijndes makes the queen Jocasta ask her 
exiled son how he got his victuals : but Vv^ho 
ever expected to see you a trader or dealer 
in stocks? I thought to have seen you where 
you are, or perhaps nearer; but diis aliter 
visum. It may be with one's country as with 
a lady: if she be cruel and ill-natured, and 
v^all not receive us, v^e ought to consider 
that we are better without her. But in this 
case we may add, she has neither virtue, 
honour, nor justice. I have gotten a mezzo- 
tinto (for want of a better) of Aristippus, in 
mj^ drawing-room: the motto at the top is 
37 



Swift 

Omnis Aristippum, &c., and at the bottom, 
Tanta foeclus cum petite ferire, commissum 
juveni. But since what I heard of Missis- 
sippi, I am grown fonder of the former 
motto. You liave heard that Plato followed 
merchandise three years, to show he knew 
how to grow rich as well as to be a philoso- 
pher: and I guess Plato was then about 
fbrt\', the period which the Italians prescribe 
for being wise, in order to be rich at fift^^ — 
Senes ut in otia tut a recedant. I have known 
something of courts and ministers longer 
than you, who know them so many thou- 
sand times better: but I do not remember to 
have ever heard of or seen one great genius 
who had long success in the ministry: and 
recollecting a great many in my memory and 
acquaintance, those who had the smoothest 
time were at best men of middling degree in 
understanding. But if I were to frame a ro- 
mance of a great minister's life, he should be- 
gin it as Aristippus has done, then be sent into 
exile, and employ his leisure in writing the 
memoirs of his own administration; then be 
recalled, invited to resume his share ofpower, 
act as far as was decent ; at last retire to the 
country, and be a pattern of hospitality, po- 
liteness, wisdom and virtue. Have j^ou not 
observed that there is a lower kind of dis- 
cretion and regularit}^ which seldom fails of 
raising men to the highest stations, in the 
court, the church, and the law? It must be 
38 



Personal Letters 

so : for Providence, which designed the world 
should be governed by man}^ heads, made it 
a business within the reach of common 
understandings ; while one great genius is 
hardly found among ten miUions. Did you 
never observe one of your clerks cutting his 
paper with a blunt ivory knife? did ^'ou ever 
know the knife to fail going the true way? 
whereas, if he had used a razor or a pen- 
knife, he had odds against him of spoiHng a 
whole sheet. I have twenty times compared 
the motion of that ivory implement to those 
talents that thrive best at court. Think 
upon lord Bacon, Williams, Strafford, Laud, 
Clarendon, Shaftesbury, the last duke of 
Buckingham ; and of my own acquaintance, 
the earl of Oxford and \^ourself ; all great , 
geniuses in their several ways ; and, if they 
had not been so great, would have been less 
unfortunate. I remember but one exception, 
and that was lord Somers, whose timorous 
nature, joined with the trade of a common 
lawyer and the consciousness of a mean ex- 
traction, had taught him the regularity of an 
alderman or gentleman-usher. But of late 
years I have been refining upon this thought: 
for I plainly see that fellows of low intel- 
lectuals, when they are gotten at the head of 
affairs, can sally into the highest exorbitan- 
cies with much more safety than a man of 
great talents can make the least step out of 
the way. Perhaps it is for the same reason 
39 



Swift 

that men are more afraid of attacking a 
vicious than a mettlesome horse: but I rather 
think it owing to that incessant envy where- 
with the common rate of mankind pursues 
all superior natures to their own. And I 
conceive, if it w^ere left to the choice of an 
ass, he w^ould rather be kicked by one of his 
own species than a better. If you will recol- 
lect that I am towards six \^ears older than 
when I saw you last, and t\venty years duller, 
you will not wonder to find me abound 
in empty speculations : I can now express in 
a hundred words what would have formerly 
cost me ten. I can write epigrams of fiftv 
distichs, which might be squeezed into one. I 
have gone the round of all my stories three 
. or four times with the j^ounger people, and 
begin them again. I give hints how signifi- 
cant a person I have been, and nobody be- 
lieves me: I pretend to pit^'^ them, but am 
inwardl}^ angr\\ I lay traj)s for people to 
desire I would show them some things I have 
w^ritten, but cannot succeed, and wreak my 
spite in condemning the taste of the people 
and company where I am. But it is wath 
place as it is with time. If I boast of having 
been valued three hundred miles off, it is of no 
more use than if I told how^ handsome I was 
when I w^as young. The worst of it is, that 
lying is of no use; for the people here wall 
not believe one half of what is true. If I can 
prevail on anyone to personate a hearer and 
40 



Personal Letters 

admirer, you would wonder what a favourite 
he grows. He is sure to have the first glass 
out of the bottle, and the best bit I can 
carve. Nothing has convinced me so much 
that I am of a little subaltern spirit, inopis, 
atqiie pusilli animi, as to reflect how I am 
forced into the most trifling amusements to 
divert the vexation of former thoughts and 
present objects. Why cannot you lend me a 
shred of your mantle, or v^hy did not you 
leave a shred of it with me when j^ou were 
snatched from me? you see I speak in my 
trade, although it is growing fast a trade to 
be ashamed of. 

I cannot but w^ish that you would make it 
possible for me to see a copy of the papers 
you are about ; and I do protest it necessary 
that such a thing should be in some person's 
hands beside your own, and I scorn to say 
how safe they would be in mine. Neither 
would you dislike my censures, as far as they 
might relate to circumstantials. I tax you 
with two minutes a-day, until you have read 
this letter, although I am sensible you have 
not half so much from business more useful 
and entertaining. 

My letter which miscarried was, I believe, 
much as edifying as this, only thanking and 
congrattilating with you for the delightful 
verses you sent me. And I ought to have ex- 
pressed my vexation at seeing you so much 
better a philosopher than myself; a trade 
41 



Swift 

you were neither born nor bred to: but I 
think it is observed that gentlemen often 
dance better than those that Hve by the art. 
You may thank fortune that my paper is no 
longer, &c. 



TO MR. POPE. 

[Note Swift's declaration of his real motive in 
writing "Gulliver's Travels."] 

September 29, 1725. 

I AM now returning to the noble scene of 
Dublin, into the grand monde, for fear of 
burying my parts, to signalise myself among 
curates and vicars, and correct all corrup- 
tions crept in, relating to the weight of 
bread and butter, through those dominions 
where I govern. I have emplo^^ed my time 
(beside ditching) in finishing, correcting, 
amending, and transcribing my travels, in 
four parts complete, newly augmented, and 
intended for the press when the world shall 
deserve them, or rather when a printer shall 
be found brave enough to venture his ears. I 
like the scheme of our meeting after distresses 
and dispersions, but the chief end I propose to 
myself in all my labours is, to vex the w^orld 
rather than divert it ; and if I could compass 
that design without hurting my own person 
or fortune, I would be the most indefatigable 
42 



Personal Letters 

writer you have ever seen without reading. 
I am exceedingly pleased that you have 
done with translations: lord-treasurer Oxford 
often lamented that a rascally world should 
lay you under a necessity of misemploying 
your genius for so long a time. But since 
you will now be so much better employed, 
when you think of the world, give it one 
lash the more at my request. I have ever 
hated all nations, professions, and communi- 
ties, and all my love is towards individuals ; 
for instance, I hate the tribe of lawj^ers, but 
I love counsellor such-a-one, and judge such- 
a-one: it is so with physicians, (I will not 
speak of my own trade,) soldiers, English, 
Scotch, French, and the rest. But principal- 
ly I hate and detest that animal called 
man; although I heartily love John, Peter, 
Thomas, and so forth. This is the system 
upon which I have governed myself many 
years (but do not tell) ; and so I shall go on 
till I have done with them. I have got 
materials towards a treatise proving the fals- 
ity of that definition animal rationale, and 
to show it should be only rationis capax. 
Upon this great foundation of misanthropy 
(though not in Timon's manner) the whole 
building of my travels is erected; and I never 
will have peace of mind till all honest men 
are of my opinion: by consequence you are 
to embrace it immediately, and procure that 
all v^ho deserve my esteem may do so too. 
43 



Swift 

The matter is so clear that it will admit of 
no dispute ; nay, I will hold a hundred 
pounds that you and I agree in the point. 

I did not know your "Od^'-ssey" was fin- 
ished, being yet in the country, which I shall 
leave in three days. I thank 3'ou kindl}^ fiDr 
the present, but shall like it three-fourths the 
less from the mixture j^ou mention of other 
hands ; however, I am glad you saved ^^our- 
self so much drudger\\ — I have been long 
told by Mr. Ford of your great achievements 
in building and planting, and especially of 
3"our subterranean passage to j'-our garden, 
whereby 3^ou turned a blunder into a beaut}', 
which is a piece of Ars Poetic a. 

I have almost done with harridans, and 
shall soon become old enough to fall in love 
with girls of fourteen. The lady [Mrs. How- 
ard] whom you describe to live at court, to 
be deaf, and no party-woman, I take to be 
Mytholog\^, but know not how to moralise 
it. She cannot be merc}', for Mercy is neither 
deaf, nor lives at court : Justice is blind, and 
perhaps deaf, but neither is she a court 
lad}^ : Fortune is both blind and deaf, and a 
court lady, but then she is a most damnable 
party-woman, and will never make me easy, 
as \'ou promise. It must be Riches, which 
answers all \'Our description : I am glad she 
visits 3'ou, but my voice is so weak that I 
doubt she will never hear me. 

Mr. Lewis sent me an account of Dr. Ar- 
44 



Personal Letters 

butlmot's illness, which is a very sensible 
affliction to nie, who by living so long out 
of the world have lost that hardness of heart 
contracted by years and general conversa- 
tion. I am daily losing friends, and neither 
seeking nor getting others. if the world 
had but a dozen Arbuthnots in it, I would 
burn m}^ travels ! but, however, he is not 
without fault: there is a passage in Bede 
highly commending the piety and learning of 
the Irish in that age, w4iere, after abundance 
of praises, he overthrows them all, by la- 
menting that, alas ! they kept Easter at a 
wrong time of the year. So our doctor has 
every quality and virtue that can make a 
man amiable or useful; but, alas! he hath a 
sort of slouch in his walk! I pray God pro- 
tect him, for he is an excellent Christian, 
though not a Catholic. 

I hear nothing of our friend Gay, but I 
find the court keeps him at hard meat. I 
advised him to come over here with a lord- 
lieutenant. Philips writes little flams (as 
lord Leicester called those sort of verses) on 
Miss Carteret. A Dublin blacksmith, a great 
poet, has imitated his manner in a poem to 
the same miss. Philips is a complainer, and 
on this occasion I told lord Carteret that 
complainers never succeed at court, though 
railers do. 

Are you altogether a country gentleman, 
that I must address to you out of London, 
45 



Swift 

to the hazard of yonr losing this precious 
letter, which I will now conclude, although 
so much paper is left? I have an ill name, 
and therefore shall not subscribe it, but you 
will guess it comes from one who esteems 
and loves you about half as much as you 
deserve, I mean, as much as he can. 

I am in great concern at what I am just 
told is in some of the newspapers, that lord 
Bolingbroke is much hurt by a fall in hunt- 
ing. I am glad he has so much youth and 
vigour left, (of which he has not been thrifty,) 
but I wonder he has no more discretion. 



TO MR. WORRALL. 

[This letter, written during a visit to Pope at 
Twickenham, shows Swift's anxiety at the news 
of the mortal illness of Esther Johnson (Stella). 
Mr. Worrall was the vicar of St. Patrick's, Dub- 
lin.] 

TAvickenham, July 15, 1726. 

I WISH you would send me a common bill 
in form upon any banker for 100/., and I will 
wait for it, and in the meantime borrow 
where I can. What ^^ou tell me of Mrs. 
Johnson I have long expected with great 
oppression and heaviness of heart. We have 
been perfect friends these thirty-five years. 
Upon my advice they both came to Ireland, 
46 



Personal Letters 

and have been ever since my constant com- 
panions; and the remainder of m J life will be 
a verv melancholy scene, when one of them 
is gone, whom I most esteemed upon the 
score of every good quality that can possibly 
recommend a human creature. I have these 
two months seen through Mrs. Dingley's 
disguises. And indeed ever since I left you 
m^^ heart has been so sunk that I have not 
been the same man, nor ever shall be again, 
but drag on a wretched life, till it shall please 
God to call me away. I must tell j^ou as a 
friend, that, if you have reason to believe 
Mrs. Johnson cannot hold out till my return, 
I would not think of coming to Ireland; and 
in that case I would expect of you in the be- 
ginning of September to renew my license for 
another half-year, which time I will sjDcnd in 
some retirement far from London, till I can 
be in a disposition of appearing after an 
accident that must be so fatal to my quiet. 
I wish it could be brought about that she 
might make her will. Her intentions are to 
leave the interest of all her fortune to her 
mother and sister during their lives, and 
afterwards to Dr. Stephen's hospital, to pur- 
chase lands for such uses there as she de- 
signs. Think how I am disponed w^hile I 
write this, and forgive the inconsistencies. I 
would not for the universe be present at such 
a trial of seeing her depart. She will be 
among friends that, upon her own account 
47 



Swift 

and great worth, will tend her with all pos- 
sible care, where I should be a trouble to 
her, and the greatest torment to m\^self. In 
case the matter should be desperate, I would 
have you advise, if the}' come to town, that 
they should be lodged in some air}' health}'- 
part, and not in the deaner}', which besides, 
you know, cannot but be a very improper 
thing for that house to breathe her last in. 
This I leave to your discretion, and I con- 
jure you to burn this letter immediately, 
without telling the contents of it to an}^ per- 
son alive. Pray write to me every week, 
that I may know what steps to take ; for I 
am determined not to go to Ireland, to find 
her just dead, or d^ang. Nothing but ex- 
tremity could make me so familiar with those 
terrible words applied to such a dear friend. 
Let her know I have bought her a repeating 
gold watch for her ease in winter nights. I 
designed to have surprised her v/ith it; but 
now I \vould have her know it, that she may 
see how my thoughts are alwa^'S to make 
her easy. 

I am of opinion that there is not a greater 
folly than to contract too great and intimate 
a friendship, which must always leave the 
survivor miserable. 

On the back of Burton's note there was 
written the account of Mrs. Johnson's sick- 
ness. Pray, in 3'our next avoid that mis- 
take, and leave the back side blank. 
48 



Personal Letters 

When you have read this l^ter twice, and 
retain what I desire, pray burn it; and let 
all I have said He only in your breast. 

Pray write every week. I have (till I know 
further) fixed on August the fifteenth to set 
out for Ireland. I shall continue or alter my 
measures according to your letters. Adieu. 

Direct your letters still to Mrs. Rice, &c. 

Pray tell Mr. Dodge of the college that I 
received his letter, but cannot possibly an- 
swer it, which I certainly would if I had 
materials. 

As to what you saj^ about promotion, you 
will find it was given immediately to Maude, 
as I am told; and I assure you I had no 
oifers,nor would accept them. My behaviour 
to those in power has been directly contrary 
since I came here. I would rather have good 
news from you than Canterbury, though it 
were given me upon my own terms. 



TO MR. POPE. 

[Swift's long and tmbroken friendship with Pope 
is evidenced by many letters This is one of the 
latest, written shortly before Swift's mind began 
to give way. His death occurred in October, 
1745, in his seventy-eighth year.] 

December 2, 1736. 

I THINK you owe me a letter, but v^hether 
you do or not, I have not been in a condi- 
4 49 



Swift 

tion to write. Years and infirmities have 
quite broke me; I mean that odious continual 
disorder in my head. I neither read, nor 
write, nor remember, nor converse. All I 
have left is to walk and ride : the first I can 
do tolerabh^, but the latter, for want of good 
weather at this season, is seldom in my 
power; and having not an ounce of flesh 
about me, my skin comes off in ten miles 
riding, because m\^ skin and bone cannot 
agree together. But I am angry because 3'ou 
will not suppose me as sick as I am, and 
write to me out of perfect charity, although 
I should not be able to answer. I have too 
many vexations by my station and the im- 
pertinence of people to be able to bear the 
mortification of not hearing from a ver\^ few 
distant friends that are left; and, consider- 
ing how time and fortune have ordered mat- 
ters, I have hardly one friend left but your- 
self What Horace sa^-s, — Singula de nobis 
anni prwdantur, I feel ever\^ month at fur- 
thest; and b}^ this computation, if I hold out 
two years, I shall think it a iniracle. My 
comfort is, you begin to distinguish so con- 
founded early that your acquaintance with 
distinguished men of all kinds was almost as 
ancient as mine. I mean Wj^cherly, Rowe, 
Prior, Congreve, Addison, Parnell, &c., and 
in spite of your heart you have owned me a 
contemporary. Not to mention lords Ox- 
ford, Bolingbroke, Harcourt, Peterborough: 
50 



Personal Letters 

in short, I was the other daj'- recollecting 
twent^'-seven great ministers, or men of wit 
and learning, who are all dead, and all of my 
acquaintance, within twenty years past ; 
neither have I the grace to be sorry that the 
present times are drawn to the dregs as well 
as my own life. May my friends be happy 
in this and a better life! but I value not 
what becomes of posterity when I consider 
from what monsters they are to spring. My 
lord Orrer\' writes to you to-morrow, and 
you see I send this under his cover, or at 
least franked b}' him. He has 3000/. a-^^ear 
about Cork and the neighbourhood, and has 
more than three years' rent unpaid; this is 
our condition in these blessed times. I wrote 
to your neighbour about a month ago, and 
subscribed my name: I fear he has not re- 
ceived my letter, and wash 3^ou would ask 
him; but perhaps he is still a-rambling; for 
we hear of him at Newmarket, and that 
Boerhaave has restored his health. How 
my services are lessened of late with the num- 
ber of my friends on your side ! yet my lord 
Bathurst, and lord Marsham, and Mr. Lewis 
remain; and being your acquaintance, I de- 
sire when you see them to deliver my compli- 
ments ; but chiefl}' to Mrs. Patty Blount, and 
let me know" w^hether she be as young and 
agreeable as w^hen I saw her last? Have ^^ou 
got a supply of new friends to make up for 
those who are gone? and are they equal to 
51 



Swift 

the first? I am afraid it is with friends as 
with times ; and that the laudator temporis 
acti se puero is equally applicable to both. I 
am less grieved for living here, because it is 
a perfect retirement, and consequently fittest 
for those who are grown good for nothing; 
for this town and kingdom are as much out 
of the world as North Wales. My head is so 
ill that I cannot write a paper full as I used 
to do ; and j^et I will not forgive a blank of 
half an inch from you. I had reason to ex- 
pect from some of your letters that we were 
to hope for more epistles of moralit\' ; and I 
assure you my acquaintance resent that they 
have not seen my name at the head of one. 
The subject of such epistles are more useful 
to the public by your manner of handling 
them than any of all your w^ri tings ; and al- 
though in so profligate a world as ours they 
may possibly not much mend our manners, 
yet posterity will enjoy the benefit whenever 
a court happens to have the least relish for 
virtue and religion. 



52 



A Tale of a Tub 



A Tale of a Tub. 

OF A FATHER AND HIS THREE SONS." 

["A Tale of a Tub," first published in 1704, had 
been written at least seven years before. In the 
Preface, Swift explains the whimsical title by re- 
ferring to the seamen's custom, "when they meet 
a whale, to fling him out an empty tub by way 
of amusement, to divert him from laying violent 
hands upon the ship." He proposes to give the 
enemies of Religion and Government some harm- 
less employment by tossing to them his treatise. 
The passage presented here is Section II., which 
gives the famous parable of "Peter, Martin, and 
Jack."] 

Once upon a time, there was a man who 
had three sons by one wife,* and all at a 
birth, neither could the midwife tell certainly, 
which was the eldest. Their father died while 
they were young; and upon his death-bed, 
calling the lads to him, spoke thus: 

"Sons; because I have purchased no estate, 
nor was born to any, I have long considered 
of some good legacies to bequeath you ; and 
at last, with much care, as well as expense, 

*By these three sons, Peter, Martin, and Jack, 
Popery, the Church of England, and our Prot- 
estant dissenters, are designed. — W. Wotton. 
55 



Swift 

have provided each of you (here they are) a 
new coat. Now, you are to understand, that 
these coats have two virtues contained in 
them; one is, that with good wearing, they 
will last you fresh and sound as long as you 
live : the other is, that they will grow in the 
same proportion with your bodies, lengthen- 
ing and widening of themselves, so as to 
be always fit. Here ; let me see them on you 
before I die. So; very well; pray, children, 
wear them clean, and brush them often. You 
will find in my will* (here it is) full instruc- 
tions in ever}'- particular concerning the 
wearing and management of \^our coats; 
wherein 3^ou must be very exact, to avoid the 
penalties I have appointed for every trans- 
gression or neglect, upon which your future 
fortunes will entirely depend. I have also 
commanded in my will, that \^ou should live 
together in one house like brethren and 
friends, for then you will be sure to thrive, 
and not otherwise." 

Here the storj^ says, this good father died, 
and the three sons went all together to seek 
their fortunes. 

I shall not trouble you with recounting 
what adventures they met for the first seven 
years ; any farther than by taking notice, 
that they carefully observed their father's 
wall, and kept their coats in very good order: 
that they travelled through several countries, 

*The New Testament. 
56 



A Tale of a Tub 

encountered a reasonable quantity of giants, 
and slew certain dragons. 

Being now arrived at the proper age for pro- 
ducing themselves, they came up to town, and 
fell in love with the ladies, but especially 
three, who about that time were in chief repu- 
tation; the Duchess d' Argent, Madame de 
Grands Titres, and the Countess d'Orgueil.* 
On their first appearance, our three adven- 
turers met with a very bad reception; and 
soon with great sagacit}^ guessing out the 
reason, they quicklj^ began to improve in the 
good qualities of the town : they writ, and 
rallied, and rhymed, and sung, and said, and 
said nothing: they drank, and fought, and 
whored, and slept, and swore, and took 
snuff: they went to new plays on the first 
night, haunted the chocolate houses, beat the 
watch, lay on bulks, and got claps: they 
bilked hackney-coachmen, ran in debt w^th 
shopkeepers, and lay with their v^ives: they 
killed bailiffs, kicked fiddlers down-stairs, eat 
at Locket's, loitered at Will's: they talked of 
the drawing-room, and never came there : 
dined with lords they never saw: whispered 
a duchess, and sjDoke never a word : exposed 
the scrawls of their laundress forbilletdouxof 

* Their mistresses are the Duchess d' Argent, 
Mademoiselle de Grands Titres, and the Countess 
d'Orgueil, i.e., covetousness, ambition, and pride; 
which were the three great vices that the ancient 
fathers inveighed against, as the first corruptions 
of Christianity.— W. Wotton. 
57 



Swift 

quality : came ever just from court, and were 
never seen in it: attended the Levee sub dio: 
got a list of peers by heart in one company, 
and with great familiarity retailed them in 
another. Above all, thej^ constantly at- 
tended those Committees of Senators, who 
are silent in the House, and loud in the 
coffee-house; where th^y nightly adjourn to 
chew the cud of politics, and are encompassed 
with a ring of disciples, who lie in wait to 
catch up their droppings. The three brothers 
had acquired forty other qualifications of the 
like stamp, too tedious to recount, and by 
consecfuence, were justly reckoned the most 
accomplished persons in the town: but all 
vi^ould not suffice, and the ladies aforesaid 
continued still inflexible. To clear up which 
difficulty I must, with the reader's good 
leave and patience, have recourse to some 
points of weight, which the authors of that 
age have not sufficiently illustrated. 

For, about this time it happened a sect 
arose, whose tenets obtained and spread 
very far, especially in the grande monde, and 
among everybody of good fashion. They 
worshipped a sort of idol, who, as their 
doctrine delivered, did daily create men b}^ a 
kind of manufactory operation. This idol 
they placed in the highest parts of the house, 
on an altar erected about three foot : he w^as 
shown in the posture of a Persian emperor, 
sitting on a superficies, with his legs inter- 
58 



A Tale of a Tub 

A^oven under him. This god had a goose for 
his ensign: whence it is that some learned 
men pretend to deduce his original from 
Jupiter Capitolinus. At his left hand, be- 
neath the altar, Hell seemed to open, and 
catch at the animals the idol was creating; 
to prevent which, certain of his priests hourly 
flung in pieces of the uninformed mass, or 
substance, and sometimes whole limbs al- 
ready enlivened, which that horrid gulf 
insatiably swallowed, terrible to behold. 
The goose was also held a subaltern divinity 
or deus minorum gentium, before whose 
shrine was sacrificed that creature, whose 
hourly food is human gore, and who is in so 
great renown abroad, for being the delight 
and favourite of the Egyptian Cercopithecus. 
Millions of these animals were cruelly slaugh- 
tered every da\^, to appease the hunger of 
that consuming deity. The chief idol was 
also worshipped as the inventor ofthej^ard 
and needle; whether as the god of seamen, or 
on account of certain other mystical attri- 
butes, has not been sufficiently cleared. 

The worshippers of this deity had also a 
system of their belief, which seemed to turn 
upon the following fundamentals. Th^y held 
the universe to be a large suit of clothes, 
which invests everything: that the earth is 
invested by the air ; the air is invested by the 
stars; and the stars are invested by the 
prittium mobile. Look on this globe of earth, 
59 



Swift 

you will find it to be a ven^ complete and 
fashionable dress. What is that which some 
call land, but a fine coat faced with green? 
or the sea, but a waistcoat of water-tabby? 
Proceed to the particular works of the crea- 
tion, you will find how curious journeyman 
Nature has been, to trim up the vegetable 
beaux; observe how sparkish a periwig 
adorns the head of a beech, and what a fine 
doublet of white satin is worn by the birch. 
To conclude from all, what is man himself 
bu"t a micro-coat, or rather a complete suit 
of clothes with all its trimmings? as to his 
bod\^, there can be no dispute: but examine 
even the acquirements of his mind, j^ou will 
find them all contribute in their order to- 
wards furnishing out an exact dress: to in- 
stance no more; is not religion a cloak; 
honesty a pair of shoes worn out in the 
dirt; self-love a surtout; vanity a shirt ; and 
conscience a pair of breeches ; which, though 
a cover for lewdness as well as nastiness, is 
easilv slipped down for the service of both? 
These postulata being admitted, it will fol- 
low in due course of reasoning, that those 
beings, which the world calls improperly 
suits of clothes, are in reality the most re- 
fined species of animals ; or, to proceed 
higher, that they are rational creatures, or 
men. For, is it not manifest, that the\' live, 
and move, and talk, and perform all other 
offices of human life? Are not beauty, and 
60 



A Tale of a Tub 

wit, and mien, and breeding, their insepara- 
ble proprieties? In short, we see nothing 
but them, hear nothing but them. Is it not 
thej who walk the streets, fill up parlia- 
ment — , coffee — , plaj^ — , bawdy-houses? 'Tis 
true, indeed, that these animals, which are 
vulgarl}^ called suits of clothes, or dresses, 
do, according to certain compositions, receive 
different appellations. If one of them be 
trimmed up with a gold chain, and a red 
gown, and a white rod, and a great horse, 
it is called a Lord-Mayor : if certain ermines 
and Rtrs be placed in a certain position, we 
style them a Judge ; and so an apt conjunc- 
tion of lawn and black satin we entitle a 
Bishop. 

Others of these professors, though agreeing 
in the main system, were yet more refined 
upon certain branches of it ; and held, that 
man was an animal compounded of two 
dresses, the natural and celestial suit, which 
were the body and the soul: that the soul 
was the outward, and the body the inward 
clothing ; that the latter was ex traduce; but 
the former of daily creation and circumfu- 
sion; this last they proved by scripture, be- 
cause in them we live, and move, and have 
our being ; as likewise by philosophy, because 
they are all in all, and all in every part. 
Besides, said they, separate these two, and 
3^ou will find the body to be only a senseless 
unsavoury carcase. By all v^hich it is mani- 
61 



Swift 

fest, that the outward dress must needs be 
the soul. 

To this system of reHgion, were tagged 
several subaltern doctrines, which were enter- 
tained with great vogue ; as particularh^, the 
faculties of the mind were deduced bv the 
learned among them in this manner; em- 
broidery, was sheer wit; gold fringe, was 
agreeable conversation ; gold lace, was repar- 
tee; a huge long periwig, was humour; and a 
coat full of powder, was very good raillery : 
all which required abundance of finesse and 
delicatesse to manage with advantage, as 
well as a strict observance after times and 
fashions. 

I have, with much pains and reading, col- 
lected out of ancient authors, this short 
summary of a body of philosophy and divin- 
it}^, which seems to have been composed by a 
vein and race of thinking, verj^ different from 
any other systems either ancient or modern. 
And it was not merely to entertain or satisfy 
the reader's curiosity, but rather to give him 
light into several circumstances of the fol- 
lowing story; that knowing the state of 
dispositions and opinions in an age so re- 
mote, he may better comprehend those great 
events, w^hich were the issue of them. I ad- 
vise therefore the courteous reader to peruse 
with a world of application, again and 
again, whatever I have written upon this 
matter. And leaving these broken ends, I 
62 



A Tale of a Tub 

carefully gather tip the chief thread of my 
story and proceed. 

These opinions, therefore, were so uni- 
versal, as well as the practices of them, 
among the refined part of court and town, 
that our three brother-adventurers, as their 
circumstances then stood, were strangely at 
a loss. For, on the one side, the three ladies 
the\^ addressed themselves to, (whom we- 
have named already,) were at the very top 
of the fashion, and abhorred all that were 
below it but the breadth of a hair. On the 
other side, their father's will was very pre- 
cise, and it was the main precept in it, with, 
the greatest penalties annexed, not to add to,, 
or diminish from their coats one thread, 
without a positive command in the will. 
Now, the coats their father had left them 
were, 'tis true, of very good cloth, and, be- 
sides, so neatly sewn, you would swear they 
were all of a piece; but, at the same time, 
very plain, and with little or no ornament : 
and it happened, that before they were a 
month in town, great shoulder-knots came 
up : straight all the world was shoulder- 
knots ; no approaching the ladies' ruelles with- 
out the (jt/ota of shoulder-knots. That fellow, 
cries one, has no soul ; where is his shoulder- 
knot? Our three brethren soon discovered 
their want by sad experience, meeting in their 
walks with forty mortifications and indigni- 
ties. If they went to the pla^^-house, the door- 
63 



Swift 

keeper shewed them into the twelve-penny 
gallery. If the\^ called a boat, sa\'S a water- 
man, I am first sculler. If the^^ stepped to the 
Rose to take a bottle, the drawer would cry, 
Friend, wx sell no ale. If they went to visit a 
lad}^, a footman met them at the door, with, 
Pray send up your message. In this unhappy 
ease, they went immediateU^ to consult their 
father's will, read it over and over, but not 
a word of the shoulder-knot. What should 
the}^ do? What temper should they find? 
Obedience was absolutely' necessary, and \'et 
shoulder-knots appeared extremely requisite. 
After much thought, one of the brothers, who 
happened to be more book-learned than the 
other two, said, he had found an expedient. 
'Tis true, said he, there is nothing here in 
this will, totidem verbis, making mention of 
shoulder-knots: but I dare conjecture, we 
may find them inclusive, or totidem syllahis. 
This distinction was immediately approved 
by all ; and so they fell again to examine the 
will. But their evil star had so directed the 
matter, that the first syllable was not to be 
found in the Avhole writing. Upon which 
disappointment, he, who found the former 
evasion, took heart, and said, "Brothers, 
there are yet hopes; for though we cannot 
find them totidem verbis, nor totidem sylla- 
bis, I dare engage we shall make them out, 
tertio mode, or totidem literis.^^ This dis- 
covery was also highly commended, upon 
64 



A Tale of a Tub 

■which thc\^ fell once more to the scrutiny, 
and picked out S,H,0,U,L,D,E,R; when the 
same planet, enemy to their repose, had won- 
derfully contrived, that a K was not to be 
found. Here was a weighty difficult}'- ! But 
the distinguishing brother, (for whom ^^e 
shall hereafter find a name,) now his hand 
was in, proved by a ver}^ good argument, 
that K was a modem, illegitimate letter, un- 
known to the learned ages, nor anywhere to 
be found in ancient manuscripts. '"Tis 
true," said he, "Calendce hath in O.V.C.* 
been sometimes writ with a K, but errone- 
ously; for, in the best copies, it ever spelt 
with a C. And, b}^ consequence, it was a 
gross mistake in our language to spell 'knot* 
with a K;" but that from henceforward, he 
would take care it should be written with a 
C. Upon this all farther difficulty vanished ; 
shoulder-knots were made clearly out to be 
jure paterno: and our three gentlemen swag- 
gered with as large and as flaunting ones as 
the best. 

But, as human happiness is of a ver}^ short 
duration, so in those da^-^s were human fash- 
ions, upon which it entircK' depends. Shoul- 
der-knots had theii* time, and we must now 
imagine them in their decline; for a certain 
lord came just from Paris, with fifty yards 
of gold lace upon his coat, exactly trimmed 

* Quibusdam veteribus codicibus ; i.e., some an- 
cient manuscripts. 

5 65 



Swift 

after the court fashion of that month. In 
two days all mankind appeared closed tip in 
bars of gold lace: whoever durst peep abroad 
without his complement of gold lace, was as 
scandalous as a — , and as ill received among 
the women. What should our three knights 
do in this momentous affair? The\' had 
sufficiently strained a point alread\^ in the 
affair of shoulder-knots. Upon recourse to 
the will, nothing appeared there but altum 
silentium. That of the shoulder-knots \vas a 
loose, flying, circumstantial point; but this of 
gold lace seemed too considerable an altera- 
tion without better warrant. It did aliquo 
modo essentise adhserere, and therefore re- 
quired a positive precept. But about this time 
it fell out, that the learned brother aforesaid 
had read ''Aristotelis Dialectic a,^^ and espe- 
cially^ that wonderful piece de Interpreta- 
tione, which has the faculty of teaching its read- 
ers to find out a meaning in ever^^thing but 
itself, like commentators on the Revelations, 
who proceed prophets without understand- 
ing a s^dlable of the text. "Brothers," said 
he, "you are to be informed, that of wills 
duo sunt genera, nuncupatory and scriptory; 
that in the scrijDtory v^rill here before us, 
there is no precept or mention about gold 
lace, conceditur : but, si idem affirmetur de 
nuncupatorio, negatur. For, brothers, ifyou 
remember, we heard a fellow sa}^ when we 
w^ere bo3''S, that he heard mj^ father's man 
66 



A Tale of a Tub 

say, that lie heard my father say, that he 
would advise his sons to get gold lace on 
their coats, as soon as ever the}-^ could pro- 
cure money to buy it." "By G — ' that is 
very true," cries the other; "I remember it 
perfectly well," said the third. And so with- 
out more ado got the largest gold lace in the 
parish, and walked about as fine as lords. 

A while after there came up all in fashion a 
pretty sort of fiame-coloured satin for linings ; 
and the mercer brought a pattern of it im- 
mediately to our three gentlemen: "An please 
your v^^orships," said he, "my Lord C — and 
Sir J. W. had linings out of this very piece 
last night ; it takes wonderfully, and I shall 
not have a remnant left enough to make my 
wife a pin-cushion, by to-morrow morning at 
ten o'clock." Upon this, the\^ fell again to 
rummage the v^all, because the present case 
also required a positive precept, the lining 
being held by orthodox writers to be of the 
essence of the coat. After long search, they 
could fix upon nothing to the matter in 
hand, except a short advice of their father's 
in the will, to take care of fire, and put out 
their candles before they went to sleep. 
This, though a good deal for the purpose, 
and helping very far towards self-conviction, 
yet not seeming wholly of force to establish 
a command; and being resolved to avoid 
farther scruple, as well in future occasion for 
scandal, says he that was the scholar, "I re- 
67 



Swift 

member to have read in wills of a codicil 
annexed, which is indeed a part of the will, 
and what it contains hath equal authority 
with the rest. Now, I have been considering 
of this same \vill here before us, and I cannot 
reckon it to be complete for want of such a 
codicil : I will therefore fasten one in its 
proper place very dexterously : I have had it 
by me some time ; it v^^as \\rritten by a dog- 
keeper of my grandfather's, and talks a great 
deal, (as good luck would have it,) of this 
very flame-coloured satin." The project was 
immediateh^ approved by the other two ; an 
old parchment scroll was tagged on accord- 
ing to art, in the form of a codicil annexed, 
and the satin bought and worn. 

Next, winter a player, hired for the purpose 
iby the corporation of fringe-makers, acted 
his part in a new comedy, all covered with 
silver fringe, and, according to the laudable 
custom, gave rise to that fashion. Upon 
which the brothers, consulting their father's 
will, to their great astonishment found these 
words: ^'Item, I charge and command my 
said three sons to wear no sort of silver 
fringe upon or about their said coats," &c., 
with a penalty, in case of disobedience, too 
long here to insert. However, after some 
pause, the brother so often mentioned for his 
erudition, who was well skilled in criticisms, 
had found in a certain author, which he said 
should be nameless, that the same word, 
68 



A Tale of a Tub 

which, in the will, is called fringe, does also 
signify a broom-stick, and doubtless ought 
to have the same interpretation in this para- 
graph. This another of the brothers- dis- 
liked, because of that epithet silver, which 
could not, he humbly conceived, in propriety 
of speech, be reasonably applied to a broom- 
stick; but it was replied upon him, that his 
epithet was understood in a mythological 
and allegorical sense. However, he objected 
again, why their father should forbid them 
to wear a broom-stick on their coats, a cau- 
tion that seemed unnatural and impertinent ; 
upon which he was taken up short, as one 
who spoke irreverently of a mystery, which 
doubtless was very useful and significant, but 
ought not to be over-curiously pried into, or 
nicely reasoned upon. And, in short, their 
father's authority being now considerably 
sunk, this expedient was allowed to serve as 
a lawful dispensation for wearing their full 
proportion of silver fringe. 

A while after was revived an old fashion, 
long antiquated, of embroidery with Indian 
figures of men, women, and children. Here 
they remembered but too well how their 
father had always abhorred this fashion; 
that he made several paragraphs on purpose, 
importing his utter detestation of it, and 
bestowing his everlasting curse to his sons, 
whenever thc}^ should wear it. For all this, 
in a few days they appeared higher in the 
69 



Swift 

fashion than anybody else in the town. But 
they solved the matter by saying, that these 
figures were not at all the same wath those 
that were formerly worn, and were meant in 
the wall. Besides, the^^ did not wear them in 
the sense as forbidden b}^ their father; but as 
they were a commendable custom, and of 
great use to the public. That these rigorous 
clauses in the will did therefore require some 
allowance, and a favourable interpretation, 
and ought to be understood cum grano 
sails. 

But fashions perpetually altering in that 
age, the scholastic brother grew weary of 
searching farther evasions, and solving ever- 
lasting contradictions. Resolved, therefore, 
at all hazards to comply with the modes of 
the world, thc}^ concerted matters together, 
and agreed unanimousK' to lock up their 
father's will in a strong box, brought out of 
Greece or Italy, (I have forgot w^hich,) and 
trouble themselves no farther to examine 
it, but onU^ refer to its authority w^henever 
the^^ thought fit. In consequence whereof, a 
'Awhile after it grew a general mode to vvrear 
an infinite number of points, most of them 
tagged with silver : upon which, the scholar 
pronounced ex cathedra, that points were 
absolutely jure paterno, as they might very 
well remember. 'Tis true, indeed, the fashion 
prescribed somev^^hat more than were directly 
named in the will; however, that the}^, as 
70 



A Tale of a Tub 

heirs-general of their father, had power to 
make and add certain clauses for public 
emolument, though not deducible, totidem 
verbis, from the letter of the will, or else 
multa absurda sequerentur. This was under- 
stood for canonical, and therefore, on the 
following Sundaj^ they came to church all 
covered with points. 

The learned brother, so often mentioned, 
was reckoned the best scholar in all that, or 
the next street to it ; insomuch as, having 
run something behind-hand in the world, he 
obtained the favour of a certain lord, to re- 
ceive him into his house, and to teach his 
children. A while after the lord died, and he, 
by long practice of his father's will, found the 
way of contriving a deed of conveyance of 
that house to himself and his heirs; upon 
which he took possession, turned the young 
sc[uires out, and received his brothers in their 
stead. 



71 



Sleeping in Church 



73 



Sleeping in Church. 

And there sat in the window a certain young 
man, named Eutyclms, being fallen into a deep 
sleep ; and while Paul was long preaching, he 
sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the 
third loft, and was taken up dead. — Acts xx. 9. 

I HAVE chosen these words with design, if 
possible, to disturb some part in this audi- 
ence of half an hour's sleep, for the conve- 
nience and exercise whereof this place, at this 
season of the daj^, is very much celebrated. 

There is, indeed, one mortal disadvantage 
to v^hich all preaching is subject ; that tho^e 
who by the wickedness of their lives stand in 
greatest need have usualty the smallest 
share ; for either the\^ are absent upon the 
account of idleness or spleen, or hatred to 
religion, or in order to doze away the in- 
temperance of the week: or, if they do come, 
they are sure to emplo}^ their minds rather 
any other way than regarding or attending 
to the business of the place. 

The accident which happened to this j'oung 
man in the text, hath not been sufficient to 
discourage his successors; but, because the 
preachers now in the world, however they 
may exceed St. Paul in the art of setting men 
75 



Swift 

to sleep, do extremely fall short of him in 
the working of miracles; therefore men are 
become so cautious, as to choose more safe 
and convenient stations and postures for 
taking their repose, without hazard of their 
persons ; and upon the whole matter, choose 
rather to trust their destruction to a miracle, 
than their safet3\ However, this being not 
the onh^ way by which the lukewarm Chris- 
tians and scorners of the age discover their 
neglect and contempt of preaching, I shall 
enter expressly into consideration of this mat- 
ter, and order m\^ discourse in the following 
method : — 
First, I shall produce several instances to 

show the great neglect of preaching now 

among us. 
Secondly, I shall reckon up some of the usual 

quarrels men have against preaching. 
Thirdly, I shall set forth the great evil of 

this neglect and contempt of preaching, 

and discover the real causes whence it pro- 

ceedeth. 
Lastly, I shall offer some remedies against 

this great and spreading evil. 

First, I shall produce certain instances to 
show the great neglect of preaching now 
among us. 

These may be reduced under two heads. 
First, men's absence from the service of the 
church; and secondly, their misbehaviour 
when they are here. 

76 



Sleeping in Church 

The first instance of men's neglect is in 
their frequent absence from the church. 

There is no excuse so trivial that will not 
pass upon some men's consciences to excuse 
their attendance at the public worship of 
God. Some are so unfortunate as to be 
always indisposed on the Lord's-day, and 
think nothing so unwholesome as the air of 
a church. Others have their affairs so oddly 
contrived, as to be always unluckily pre- 
vented by business. With some it is a great 
mark of \vit and deep understanding to sta^'- 
at home on Sundays. Others again discover 
strange fits of laziness, that seize them par- 
ticularU' on that day, and confine them to 
their beds. Others are absent out of mere 
contempt of religion. And, lastly, there are 
not a few who look upon it as a clay of rest, 
and therefore claim the privilege of their 
cattle, to keep the Sabbath by eating, drink- 
ing, and sleeping, after the toil and labour of 
the week. Now in all this the v^'-orst circum- 
stance is, that these persons are such whose 
companies are most required, and who stand 
most in need of a physician. 

Secondl}^, Men's great neglect and con- 
tempt of preaching appear by their misbe- 
haviour \vhen at church. 

If the audience were to be ranked under 

several heads, according to their behaviour 

when the w^ord of God is delivered, how 

small a number would appear of those who 

77 



Swift 

receive it as they ought ! How much of the 
seed then sown would be found to fall b}^ the 
waj'slde upon ston}^ ground, or among 
thorns; and how little good ground there 
would be to take it ! A preacher cannot look 
round from the pulpit without observing 
that some are in a perpetual whisper, and by 
their air and gesture give occasion to suspect 
that they are in those very minutes defaming 
their neighbour. Others have their eyes and 
imagination constantly engaged in such a 
circle of objects, perhaps to gratify the most 
unwarrantable desires, that they never once 
attend to the business of the place; the sound 
of the preacher's words does not so much as 
once interrupt them. Some have their minds 
wandering ujDon idle, worldly, or vicious 
thoughts. Some lie at catch to ridicule 
whatever they hear, and with much wit and 
humour provide a stock of laughter by fur- 
nishing themselves from the pulpit. But of 
all misbehaviour, none is comparable to that 
of those who came here to sleep. Opium is 
not so stupefying to man\^ persons as an 
afternoon sermon. Perjoetual custom hath 
so brought it about that the words of what- 
ever preacher become only a sort of uniform 
sound at a distance, than w^hich nothing is 
more effectual to lull the senses. For that it 
is the very sound of the sermon w^hich bindeth 
up their faculties is manifest from hence, be- 
cause they all awake so very regularl3^ as 
78 



Sleeping in Church 

soon as it ceaseth, and with much devotion 
receive the blessing, dozed and besotted with 
indecencies I am ashamed to repeat. 

I proceed, secondly to reckon up some of 
the usual quarrels men have against preach- 
ing, and to show the unreasonableness of 
them. 

Such unwarrantable demeanour as I have 
described among Christians in the house of 
God in a solemn assembly, while their faith 
and duty are explained and delivered, have 
put those who are guilty upon inventing 
some excuses to extenuate their fault ; this 
they do by turning the blame either upon the 
particular preacher, or upon preaching in 
general. First, they object against the par- 
ticular preacher ; his manner, his delivery, his 
voice are disagreeable; his style and expres- 
sion are flat and slow, sometimes improper 
and absurd ; the matter is heavy, trivial, and 
insipid, sometimes despicable and perfectly 
ridiculous ; or else, on the other side, he runs 
up into unintelligible speculation, empty 
notions, and abstracted flights, all clad in 
words above usual understandings. 

Secondly, They object against preaching in 
general; it is a perfect road of talk, they 
know already whatever can be said, they 
have heard the same a hundred times over. 
They quarrel that preachers do not relieve 
an old beaten subject with wit and inven- 
tion, and that now the art is lost of moving 
79 



Swift 

men's passions, so common among the an- 
cient orators of Greece and Rome. These 
and the Hke objections are frequentl_v in the 
mouths of men who despise the foolishness of 
preaching. But let us examine the reason- 
ableness of them. 

The doctrine delivered by all preachers is 
the same: "So we preach, and so \^e be- 
lieve:" but the manner of delivering is suited 
to the skill and abilities of each, which differ 
in preachers just as in the rest of mankind. 
However, in personal dislikes of a particular 
preacher, are these men sure thej are always 
in the right? Do they consider how mixed a 
thing is every audience, whose taste and 
judgment differ perhaps every day, not only 
from each other, but themselves? and how to 
calculate a discourse that shall exacth' suit 
them all is beyond the force and reach of 
human reason, knowledge, or invention. 
Wit and elocjuence are shining qualities that 
God hath imparted in great degrees to very 
few; nor anj^ more to be expected in the 
generalit}^ of an^^ rank among men then 
riches and honour. But further, if preaching 
in general be all old and beaten, and that 
they are already so well acquainted with it, 
more shame and guilt to them who so little 
edify by it. But these men, whose ears are 
so delicate as not to endure a plain discourse 
of religion, who expect a constant supply of 
wit and eloquence on a subject handled so 
80 



Sleeping in Church 

mam^ thousand times; what will the}^ say 
w^hen we turn the objection ujDon themselves, 
who, with all the rude and profane liberty ot 
discourse they take upon so many thousand 
subjects, are so dull as to furnish nothing 
but tedious repetitions, and little, paltr\^, 
nauseous commonplaces, so vulgar, so worn, 
or so obvious, as, upon any other occasion 
but that of advancing vice, w^ould be hooted 
off the stage? Nor, lastly, are preachers 
justly blamed for neglecting human oratory 
to move the passions, which is not the busi- 
ness of a Christian orator, whose office it is 
only to work upon faith and reason. All 
other eloquence hath been a perfect cheat to 
stir up men's passions against truth and 
justice for the service of a faction; to put 
false colours upon things, and, by an amuse- 
ment of agreeable w^ords, make the worst 
reason appear to be the better. This is cer- 
tainh^ not to be allowed in Christian elo- 
cjuence, and therefore St. Paul took quite the 
other course; he "came not with the excel- 
lency of words or enticing speech of men's 
wisdom, but in plain evidence of the spirit 
and power." And perhaps it was for that 
reason the young man Etitychus, used to the 
Grecian eloquence, grew tired and fell so fast 
asleep. 

I go on, thirdly, to set forth the great evil 
of this neglect and scorn of preaching, and to 
discover the real causes whence it proceedeth. 
6 81 



Swift 

I think it is obvious that thife neglect of 
preaching hath very much occasioned the 
great decay of rehgion among us. To this 
may be imputed no small part of that con- 
tempt some men bestow on the clergy ; for 
whoever talketh without being regarded, is 
sure to be despised. To this we owe in a 
great measure the spreading of atheism and 
infidelity among us ; for religion, like all other 
things, is soonest put out of countenance by 
being ridiculed. The scorn of preaching 
might perhaps have been at first introduced 
by men of nice ears and refined taste; but it 
is now become a spreading evil through all 
degrees and both sexes ; for since sleeping, 
talking, and laughing are qualities sufficient 
to furnish out a critic, the meanest and most 
ignorant have set up a title, and succeeded 
in it as well as their betters. Thus are the 
last effiDrts of reforming mankind rendered 
wholly useless. "How shall the^^ hear," 
saith the Apostle, "without a preacher?" 
But if they have a preacher, and make it a 
point of wit or breeding not to hear him, 
what remedy is left? To this neglect of 
preaching we may also entireh" impute that 
gross ignorance among us in the very prin- 
ciples of religion, which it is amazing to find 
in persons w^ho very much value their own 
knowledge and understanding in other 
things: yet it is a visible, inexcusable igno- 
rance even in the meanest among us, con- 
82 



Sleeping in Church 

sidering the many advantages they have of 
learning their duty. And it hath been the 
great encouragement to all manner of vice: 
for in vain v^^e preach down sin to a people 
**v^hose hearts are waxed gross, whose ears 
are dull of hearing, and whose tyes are 
closed." Therefore Christ himself, in his dis- 
courses, frequently rouseth up the attention 
of the multitude and of his disciples them- 
selves with this expression, "He that hath 
ears to hear, let him hear." But among all 
neglects of preaching, none is so fatal as that 
of sleeping in the house of God. A scorner 
may listen to truth and reason and in time 
grow serious; an unbeliever may feel the 
pangs of a guilty conscience; one whose 
thotights or eyes wander among other ob- 
jects ma}^, by a lucky word, be called back 
to attention; but the sleeper shuts up all 
avenues to his soul; he is "like the deaf adder 
that hearkeneth not to the voice of the 
charmer, charm he never so wisely." And we 
may preach with as good success to the 
grave that is under his feet. 

But the great evil of this neglect will fur- 
ther yet appear, from considering the real 
causes whence it proceedeth; whereof the 
first I take to be an evil conscience. Many 
men come to church to save or gain a repu- 
tation, or because they w^ill not be singular, 
but comply with an established custom ; yet 
all the while they are loaded with the guilt 
83 



Swift 

of old rooted sins. These men can expect to 
hear of nothing but terrors and threatenings, 
their sins laid open in true colours, and eter- 
nal miser}^ the reward of them ; therefore no 
wonder they stop their ears, and divert their 
thoughts, and seek any amusement ra.ther 
than stir the hell within them. 

Another cause of this neglect is a heart set 
upon worldly things. Men, whose minds are 
much enslaved to earthly affairs all the 
\veek, cannot disengage or break the chain of 
their thoughts so suddenly as to apph' to a 
discourse that is wholly foreign to what 
the\^ have most at heart. Tell a usurer of 
charity and merc}-, and restitution, you talk 
to the deaf: his heart and soul, with all his 
senses, are got among his bags, or he is 
gravel}^ asleep and dreaming of a mortgage. 
Tell a man of business that the cares of the 
world choke the good seed; that we must 
not encumber ourselves with mtich serving; 
that the salvation of his soul is the one thing 
necessary': 3'ou see indeed the shape of a man 
before you, but his faculties are all gone off 
among clients and papers, thinking how to 
defend a bad cause or find flaws in a good 
one; or he weareth out the time in drowsy 
nods. 

A third cause of the great neglect and scorn 

of preaching ariseth from the practice of men 

who set up to decry and disparage religion ; 

these, being zealous to promote infidelity and 

84 



Sleeping in Church 

vice, learn a rote of buffoonery that serveth 
all occasions, and refutes the strongest argu- 
ments for piety and good manners. These 
have a set of ridicule calculated for all ser- 
mons and all preachers, and can be extremely 
witty as often as they please upon the same 
fund. 

Let me now, in the last place, offer some 
remedies against this great evil. 

It will be one remedy against the contempt 
of preaching rightly to consider the end for 
which it was designed. There are many who 
place abundance of merit in going to church, 
although it be with no other prospect but 
that of being well entertained, wherein if 
they happen to fail, they return wholly dis- 
appointed. Hence it is become an imperti- 
nent vein among people of all sorts to hunt 
after what they call a good sermon, as if it 
were a matter of pastime and diversion. 
Our business, alas! is quite another thing; 
either to learn, or at least be reminded of 
our dut\^ to apply the doctrines delivered, 
compare the rules we hear with our lives and 
actions, and find wherein we have trans- 
gressed. These are the dispositions men 
should bring into the house of God, and then 
they will be little concerned about the preach- 
er's wit or eloquence, nor be curious to in- 
cjuire out his faults and infirmities, but con- 
sider how to correct their own. 

Another remedy against the contempt of 
85 



Swift 

preaching is that men would consider 
w^hether it be not reasonable to give more 
allowance for the different abilities of preach- 
ers than thev usually do. Refinements of 
style and flights of wit, as they are not 
properly the business of any preacher, so 
they cannot possibly be the talents of all. 
In most other discourses men are satisfied 
with sober sense and plain reason, and, as 
understandings usually go, even that is not 
over frequent. Then wh}^ they should be so 
over nice in expectation of eloquence, where 
it is neither necessary nor convenient, is hard 
to iinagine. 

Lastly, The scorners of preaching would do 
well to consider that this talent of ridicule 
they value so much is a perfection very 
easily acquired and applied to all things 
whatsoever, neither is anything at all the 
worse because it is capable of being perverted 
to burlesque; perhaps it may be the more 
perfect upon that score, since we know the 
most celebrated pieces have been thus treated 
with greatest success. It is in an^^ man's 
power to suppose a fool's cap on the wisest 
head, and then laugh at his own supposi- 
tion. I think there are not many things 
cheaper than supposing and laughing ; and if 
the uniting these two talents can bring a 
thing into contempt, it is hard to know 
wdiere it maj- end. 

To conclude: — These considerations may 
86 



Sleeping in Church 

perhaps have some effect while men are 
awake, but what arguments shall we use to 
the sleeper? what methods shall we take to 
hold open his eyes? Will he be moved by 
considerations of common civility? We know 
it is reckoned a point of very bad manners 
to sleep in private company, when perhaps 
the tedious impertinence of many talkers 
would render it at least as excusable as the 
dullest sermon. Do the}^ think it a small 
thing to v^atch four hours at a play where 
all virtue and religion are openly reviled, and 
can they not watch one half hour to li^ai* 
them defended? Is this to deal like a judge, 
(I mean like a good judge,) to listen on one 
side of the cause and sleep on the other? I 
shall add but one v^ord more : that this in- 
decent sloth is very much owing to that 
luxury and excess men usually practise upon 
this day, by which half the service thereof is 
turned to sin, men dividing their time be- 
tween God and their bellies, when after a 
gluttonous meal, their senses dozed and 
stupefied, they retire to God's house to sleep 
out the afternoon. Surely, brethren, these 
things ought not so to be. 

"He that hath ears to hear let him hear." 
And God give us all grace to hear and re- 
ceive his holy word to the salvation of our 
own souls! 



87 



The Drapier's Letters, I, 



89 



The Drapier's Letters. 

[The Drapier's Letters were published anony- 
mously in 1724. "They were directed against the 
acceptance in Ireland of a copper coinage the 
patent for supplying which had been accorded to 
William Wood, who with the Duchess of Kendal, 
the King's mistress, (who obtained him the privi- 
lege), was to divide the profit arising from the 
difference between the real and the nominal value 
of the halfpence (about 40 per cent). Owing to 
the public excitement raised by these letters the 
patent was cancelled. Wood was compensated 
with a pension, and Swift gained a popularity 
which he never lost till his death. A large re- 
ward was offered at the time for the discovery of 
the author." — Century Dictionary.'] 



LETTER THE FIRST. 

TO THE TRADESMEN, SHOPKEEPERS, FARMERS AND 

COUNTRY PEOPLE IN GENERAL, OF THE 

KINGDOM OF IRELAND, 

CONCERNING THE BRASS HALFPENCE COINED BY ONE WILLIAM 

WOOD, HARDWAREMAN, WITH A DESIGN TO HAVE 

THEM PASS IN THIS KINGDOM. 

Wherein is shown the power of his Patent, the value of his Half- 
pence, and how far every person may be obliged to take the 
same in payments, and how to behave himself, in case such an 
attempt should be made by Wood, or any other person. 

CVERY PROPER TO BE KEPT IN EVERY FAMILY.) 

by m. b. drapier, 1724. 

Brethren, Friends, Countrymen, and Fellow- 
Subjects : 
What I intend now to say to you is, next 
91 



Swift 

to jour duty to God and the care of jour 
salvation, of the greatest concern to j^our- 
selves and jour children: jour bread and 
clothing, and everj common necessarj of life, 
entireh" depend upon it. Therefore I do most 
earnestlj exhort jou as men, as Christians, 
as parents, and as lovers of jour countrj, to 
read this paper with the utmost attention, 
or get it read to jou bj others ; which that 
JOU maj do at the less expense, I have or- 
dered the printer to sell it at the lowest rate. 

It is a great fault among j^ou, that when 
a person writes with no other intention than 
to do 3'ou good, JOU will not be at the pains 
to read his advices. One copj of this paper 
maj serve a dozen of jou, which will be less 
than a farthing a-piece. It is jour foUj that 
JOU have no common or general interest in 
jour vie\v, not even the v^^isest among jou ; 
neither do jou know, or enquire, or care, 
who are jour friends, or who are jour ene- 
mies. 

About four jears ago a little book was 
written, to advise all people to wear the 
manufactures of this our own dear countrj. 
It had no other design, said nothing against 
the king or parliament, or anj person what- 
soever : 3^et the poor printer was prosecuted 
two jears with the utmost violence, and 
even some v^eavers themselves (for whose 
sake it was written), being upon the JURY, 
found him guilt3^ This would be enough to 
92 



The Drapier's Letters 

discourage any man from endeavouring to do 
you good, when you will either neglect him 
or fly in his face for his pains, and when he 
must expect onh" danger to himself, and to 
be fined and imprisoned, perhaps to his ruin. 

However, I cannot but warn you once 
more of the manifest destruction before your 
eyes, if you do not behave yourselves as you 
ought. 

I will therefore first tell you the plain story 
of the fact ; and then I will lay before you 
how \^ou ought to act, in common prudence, 
according to the laws of j'bur countr3^ 

The fact is this : It having been many j^ears 
since copper halfpence (or farthings) were 
last coined in this kingdom, they have been 
for some time very scarce, and many counter- 
feits passed about under the name of raps; 
several applications were made to England 
that we might have libert}^ to coin new ones, 
as in former times we did; but they did not 
succeed. At last, one Mr. Wood, a mean 
ordinary man, a hardware-dealer, procured a 
patent under his majesty's broad seal to 
coin 108,000/. in copper for this kingdom ; 
which patent, however, did not oblige any 
one here to take them, unless they pleased. 
Now \^ou must know that the halfpence and 
farthings in England pass for ver\^ little more 
than they are worth ; and if you should beat 
them to pieces, and sell them to the brazier, 
you would not lose much above a penny in 
93 



Swift 

a shilling. But Mr. Wood made his halfjjence 
of such base metal, and so much smaller than 
the English' ones, that the brazier would 
hardly give you above a penny of good 
money for a shilling of his ; so that this sum 
of 108,0007. in good gold and silver, must be 
given for trash that will not be worth eight 
or nine thousand pounds real value. But 
this is not the worst; for Mr. Wood, when 
he pleases, may by stealth send over another 
108,000/., and buy all our goods for eleven 
parts in twelve under the value. For ex- 
ample, if a hatter sells a dozen of hats for 
5s. a-piece, which amounts to 3/., and receives 
the payment in Wood's coin, he realh^ receives 
onh^ the value of 5s. 

Perhaps 3'ou will wonder how such an 
ordinary fellow as this Mr. Wood could have 
so much interest, as to get his majesty's 
broad seal for so great a sum of bad money 
to be sent to this poor country'-; and that 
all the nobility and gentry here could not 
obtain the same favour, and let us make our 
own halfpence as we used to do. Now I will 
make that matter very plain: we are at a 
great distance from the king's court, and 
have nobod}^ there to solicit for us, although 
a great number of lords and 'squires, whose 
estates are here, and are our countrymen, 
spend all their lives and fortunes there; but 
this same Mr. Wood was able to attend con- 
stantly for his own interest ; he is an English- 
94. 



The Drapier's Letters 

man, and had great friends ; and, it seems, 
knew very well where to give money to those 
that would speak to others, that could speak 
to the king and would tell a fair stor^^ And 
his majesty, and perhaps the great lord or 
lords who advise him, might think it was for 
our country's good; and so, as the lawA'crs 
express it, "the king was deceived in his 
grant," which often happens in all reigns. 
And I am sure if his majesty knew that such 
a patent, if it should take effect according to 
the desire of Mr. Wood, would utterly ruin 
this kingdom, which has given such great 
proofs of its loyalty, he w^ould immediately 
recall it, and perhaps show his displeasure to 
somebody or other; but a word to the wise 
is enough. Most of you must have heard 
with what anger our honourable house of 
commons received an account of this Wood's 
patent. There were several fine sjDceches 
made upon it, and plain proofs that it was 
all a wicked cheat from the bottom to the 
top; and several smart votes were printed, 
which that same Wood had the assurance to 
answer likewise in print ; and in so confident 
a way, as if he were a better man than our 
whole parliament put together. 

This Wood, as soon as his patent was 
passed, or soon after, sends over a great 
many barrels of those halfpence to Cork and 
other seaport towns; and to get them off, 
offered a hundred pounds in his coin for sev- 
95 



Swift 

e»ty or eighty in silver ; but the collectors of 
the king's customs ver^^ honestly refused to 
take them, and so did almost everybody 
else. And since the parliament has con- 
demned them, and desired the king that they 
might be stopped, all the kingdom do abomi- 
nate them. 

But Wood is still working underhand to 
force his halfpence upon us; and if he can, by 
the help of his friends in England, prevail so 
far as to get an order that the commissioners 
and collectors of the king's money shall re- 
ceive them, and that the army is to be paid 
with them, then he thinks his work shall be 
done. And this is the difficulty you will be 
under in such a case ; for the common soldier, 
when he goes to the market or alehouse, will 
offer this monc}-; and if it be refused, perhaps 
he Avill swagger and hector, and threaten to 
beat the butcher or alewife, or take the 
goods b}^ force, and throw them the bad 
halfpence. In this and the like cases, the 
shopkeeper or victualler, or any other trades- 
man, has no more to do than to demand ten 
times the price of his goods, if it is to be jDaid 
in Wood's money; for example, 20c/. of that 
mone\" for a quart of ale, and so in all 
things else, and not part with his goods till 
he gets the money. 

For, suppose \^ou go to an alehouse with 
that base money, and the landlord gives you 
a quart for four of those halfpence, what 
96 



The Drapier's Letters 

must the victualler do? his brewer will not 
be paid in that coin ; or, if the brewer should 
be such a fool, the farmers will not take it 
from them for their bere,* because they are 
bound b\^ their leases to pay their rent in 
good and lawful money of England; which 
this is not, nor of Ireland neither; and the 
squire, their landlord, will never be so be- 
witched to take such trash for his land ; so 
that it must certainly stop somewhere or 
other; and wherever it stops, it is the same 
thing, and we are all undone. 

The common weight of these halfpence is 
between four and five to an ounce — suppose 
five; then 3s. 4c/. w^ill weigh a pound, and 
consequently 20s. w^ll weigh six pounds, 
butter weight. Now there are many hun- 
dred farmers w^ho pay 200/. a-year rent; 
therefore, when one of these farmers comes 
w4th his half-3^ear's rent, which is 100/., it 
w411 be at least 600 pounds' weight, w^hich 
is three horses' load. 

If a 'squire has a mind to come to town to 
buy clothes, and wine, and spices, for himself 
and family, or perhaps to pass the winter 
here, he must bring with him five or six 
horses well laden with sacks, as the farmers 
bring their corn; and when his lady comes 
in her coach to our shops, it must be fol- 
lowed by a car loaded with Mr. Wood's 
money. And I hope w^e shall have the 
* A sort of barley in Ireland. 
7 97 



Swift 

grace to take it for no more than it is 
worth. 

The}' sa}?- 'squire ConolK' [the speaker] has 
16,0007. a-year; now, if he sends for his rent 
to town, as it is Hkely he does, he must have 
250 horses to bring up his half-year's rent, 
and two or three great cellars in his house 
for stowage. But what the bankers will do 
I cannot tell; for I am assured that some 
great bankers keep by them 40,0007. in ready 
cash, to answer all pa^mients; which sum, 
in Mr. Wood's money, would require 1,200 
horses to carry it. 

For my own 23art, I am already resolved 
what to do : I have a pretty good shop of 
Irish stuffs and silks ; and instead of taking 
Mr. Wood's bad copper, I intend to truck 
with my neighbours, the butchers and bakers 
and brewers, and the rest, goods for goods ; 
and the little gold and silver I have I will 
keep by me, like my hea,rt's blood, till better 
times, or until I am just ready to starve; 
and then I will buy Mr. Wood's mone^^, as 
my father did the brass money in King 
James's time, who could buy 107. of it with 
a guinea; and I hope to get as much for a 
pistole, and so purchase bread from those 
who will be such fools as to sell it me. 

These halfpence, if they once pass, will 

soon be counterfeited, because it ma\' be 

cheapl}' done, the stuff is so base. The 

Dutch likewise will probably' do the same 

98 



The Drapier's Letters 

thing, and send them over to ns to pay for 
our goods; and Mr. Wood will never be at 
rest, but coin on: so that in some years we 
shall have at least five times 108,000/. of 
this lumber. Now the current money of this 
kingdom is not reckoned to be above 400,- 
000/. in all ; and while there is a silver six- 
pence left, these blood-suckers will never be 
quiet. 

When once the kingdom is reduced to such 
a condition, I will tell you what must be the 
end: the gentlemen of estates will all turn 
off their tenants for want of pajmients, be- 
cause, as I told you before, the tenants are 
obliged by their leases to pay sterling, which 
is lawful current money of England ; then 
they will turn their own farmers, as too 
many of them do alread}^, run all into sheep 
where they can, keeping only such other 
cattle as are necessary; then they will be 
their own merchants, and send their wool, 
and butter, and hides, and linen, beyond sea, 
for ready monc}^, and wine, and spices, and 
silks. They will keep only a few miserable 
cottagers : the farmers must rob, or beg, or 
leave their country; the shopkeepers in this 
and every other town must break and 
starve; for it is the landed man that main- 
tains the merchant, and shopkeeper, and 
handicraftsman. 

But when the 'squire turns farmer and 
merchant himself, all the good money he gets 

LofC. 99 



Swift 

from abroad he will hoard up to send for 
England, and keep some poor tailor or 
Aveaver, and the like, in his own house, who 
will be glad to get bread at any rate. 

I should never have done if I were to tell 
you all the miseries that we shall undergo if 
we be so foolish and w^icked as to take this 
cursed coin. It would be very hard if all 
Ireland should be put into one scale, and 
this sorry fellow Wood into the other; that 
Mr. Wood should weigh down this whole 
kingdom, b\^ which England gets above a 
million of good money every year clear into 
their pockets: and that is more than the 
English do by all the v^orld besides. 

But 3'our great comfort is, that as his 
majest3^'s patent does not oblige you to take 
this mone}^ so the laws haA^e not given the 
crown a power of forcing the subject, to take 
what money the king pleases; for then, by 
the same reason, we might be bound to take 
pebble-stones, or cockle-shells, or stamped 
leather, for current coin, if ever we should 
happen to live under an ill prince; who 
might likewise, by the same power, make a 
guinea pass for ten pounds, a shilling for 
twenty shillings, and so on; by which he 
would, in a short time, get all the silver and 
gold of the kingdom into his own hands, and 
leave us nothing but brass or leather, or 
what he pleased. Neither is an\^thing reck- 
oned more cruel and oppressive in the French 
100 



The Drapier's Letters 

government than their common practice of 
calHng in all their money, after they have 
sunk it very low, and then coining it anew 
at a much higher value; which, however, is 
not the thousandth part so wicked as this 
abominable project of Mr. Wood. For the 
French give their subjects silver for silver, 
and gold for gold; but this fellow will not 
so much as give us good brass or copper for 
our gold and silver, nor even a twelfth part 
of their worth. 

Having said this much, I will now go on 
to tell you the judgment of some great 
lawyers in this matter, whom I feed on pur- 
pose for your sakes, and got their opinions 
under their hands, that I might be sure I 
went upon good grounds. 

A famous law-book, called "The Mirror of 
Justice," discoursing of the charters (or 
lav^^s) ordained b}^ our ancient kings, declares 
the law to be as follows: "It was ordained 
that no king of this realm should change or 
impair the money, or make any other money 
than of gold or silver, without the assent of 
all the counties;" that is, as my lord Coke 
says, without the assent of parliament. 

This book is very ancient, and of great 
authorit}^ for the time in v^^hich it was v^^rit- 
ten, and with that character is often quoted 
by that great lawyer my lord Coke. By the 
law of England, the several metals are di- 
vided into lawful or true metal, and unlawful 
101 



Swift 

or false metal ; the former comprehends silver 
and gold, the latter all baser metals. That 
the former is only to pass in payments ap- 
pears by an act of parliament made the 20th 
year of Edward I., called the statute concern- 
ing the passing of pence ; which I give you 
here as I got it translated into English ; for 
some of our laws at that time v^^ere, as I am 
told, written in Latin: "Whoever, in buying 
or selling, presumes to refuse a halfpenny or 
farthing of lawful money, bearing the stamp 
which it ought to have, let him be seized on 
as a contemner of the king's majesty, and 
cast into prison." 

B}^ this statute, no person is to be reckoned 
a contemner of the king's majesty, and for 
that crime to be committed to prison, but he 
who refuses to accept the king's coin, made 
of lawful metal; by which, as I observed 
before, silver and gold only are intended. 

That this is the true construction of the 
act appears not only from the plain meaning 
of the words, but from m^'- lord Coke's ob- 
servation upon it. "By this act," says he, 
"it appears that no subject can be forced to 
take, in bujnng, or selling, or other pay- 
ment, any money made but of lawful metal; 
that is of silver or gold." 

The law of England gives the king all 
mines of gold and silver, but not the mines 
of other metals; the reason of which pre- 
rogative or power, as it is given bj' ni}^ lord 
102 



The Drapier's Letters 

Coke, is, because money can be made of gold 
and silver, but not of other metals. 

Pursuant to this opinion, halfpence and 
farthings were anciently made of silver, 
v^hich is evident from the act of parliament 
of Henry IV., ch. 4, whereby it is enacted 
as follows: '^Item, for the great scarcity that 
is at present within the realm of England of 
halfpence and farthings of silver, it is or- 
dained and established that the third part of 
all the money of silver plate which shall be 
brought to the bullion shall be made into 
halfpence and farthings." This shows that 
by the words "halfpence and farthings of 
lawful money," in that statute concerning 
the passing of pence, is meant a small coin 
in halfpence and farthings of silver. 

This is further manifest from the statute of 
the 9th Edward III., ch. 3, which enacts 
"that no sterling halfpenny or farthing be 
molten for to make vessels, or any other 
thing, by the goldsmiths or others, upon for- 
feiture of the money so molten" (or melted). 

By another act in this king's reign, black 
money was not to be current in England. 
And by an act of the 11th year of his reign, 
ch. 5, galley halfpence were not to pass. 
What kind of coin these v^^ere I do not know, 
but I presume they were made of base metal. 
And these acts were no new laws, but fur- 
ther declarations of the old laws relative to 
the coin. 

103 



Swift 

Thus the law stands in relation to coin. 
Nor is there any example to the contrary, 
except one in Davis's Reports, who tells us 
"that in the time of Tyrone's rebellion, queen 
Elizabeth ordered mone\^ of mixed metal to 
be coined in the Tower of London, and sent 
over hither for the payment of the army, 
obliging all people to receive it; and com- 
manding that all silver money should be 
taken only as bullion:" that is, for as much 
as it v^^eighed. Davis tells us several par- 
ticulars in this matter, too long here to 
trouble you Avith, and "that the priv^^- 
council of this kingdom obliged a merchant 
in England to receive this mixed money for 
goods transmitted hither." 

But this proceeding is rejected by all the 
best law^^ers, as contrary to law, the privy- 
council here having no such legal pow^er. 
And besides, it is to be considered that the 
queen was then under great difficulties by a 
rebellion in this kingdom, assisted from 
Spain ; and whatever is done in great exigen- 
cies and dangerous times, should never be an 
example to proceed b}^ in seasons of peace 
and quietness. 

I will now, m\^ dear friends, to save 3'ou 
the trouble, set before you, in short, what 
the law obliges you to do, and what it does 
not oblige j'-ou to. 

1st. You are obliged to take all money in 
payments which is coined by the king, and 
104 



The Drapier's Letters 

is of the English standard or weight, pro- 
vided it be of gold or silver. 

2dl3^ You are not obliged to take any 
mone}' which is not of gold or silver; not 
only the halfpence or farthings of England, 
but of any other country. And it is merely 
for convenience or ease that you are content 
to take them; because the custom of coining 
silver halfpence and farthings has long been 
left off, I suppose on account of their being 
subject to be lost. 

3dly. Much less are you obliged to take 
those vile halfpence of the same Wood, by 
which you must lose almost eleven pence in 
every shilling. 

Therefore, my friends, stand to it one and 
all ; refuse this filthy trash. It is no treason 
to rebel against Mr. Wood. His majesty, in 
his patent, obliges nobody to take these 
halfpence: our gracious prince has no such 
ill advisers about him: or, if he had, yet you 
see the laws have not left it in the king's 
power to force us to take any coin but what 
is lawful, of right standard gold and silver. 
Therefore j^ou have nothing to fear. 

And let me in the next place apply myself 
particularly to you who are the poorer sort 
of tradesmen. Perhaps you may think you 
will not be so great losers as the rich if these 
halfpence should pass; because you seldom 
see any silver, and your customers come to 
your shops or stalls v/ith nothing but brass, 
105 



Swift 

which you likewise find hard to be got. But 
you may take my word, whenever this 
money gains footing among you, you will be 
utterly undone. If you carry these half- 
pence to a shop for tobacco or brandy, or 
any other thing that you want, the shop- 
keeper will advance his goods accordingly, 
or else he must break, and leave the key 
under the door. "Do j^ou think I will sell 
you a yard of ten-penny stuff for twenty of 
Mr. Wood's halfpence? no, not under 200 at 
least; neither will I be at the trouble of 
counting, but weigh them in a lump." I will 
tell \'Ou one thing further, that if Air. Wood's 
project should take, it would ruin even our 
beggars; for when I give a beggar a half- 
penny, it will quench his thirst, or go a good 
way to fill his bellv ; but the twelfth part of 
a halfpenny will do him no more service 
than if I should give him three pins out of 
my sleeve. 

In short, these halfpence are like the "ac- 
cursed thing, which," as the Scripture tells 
us, "the children of Israel were forbidden to 
touch." They will run about like the plague, 
and destroy every one who lays his hand 
upon them. I have heard scholars talk of 
a man who told the king that he had in- 
vented a \Yaj to torment people, by putting 
them into a bull of brass with fire under it ; 
but the prince put the projector first into his 
brazen bull, to make the experiment. This 
106 



The Drapier's Letters 

very much resembles the project of Mr. Wood; 
and the hke of this may possibly be Mr. 
Wood's fate; that the brass he contrived to 
torment this kingdom with may prove his 
own torment and his destruction at last. 

N.B. The author of this paper is informed, 
by persons who have made it their business 
to be exact in their observations on the true 
value of these halfpence, that any person 
may expect to get a quart of tv^o-penny ale 
for thirty-six of them. 

I desire that all families may keep this 
paper carefully by them, to refresh their 
memories whenever they shall have further 
notice of Mr. Wood's halfpence, or any other 
the like imposture. 



107 



A Modest Proposal 



109 



A Modest Proposal. 

FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN IRELAND 
FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR PARENTS OR COUN- 
TRY AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL 
TO THE PUBLIC. 1729. 

["I know nothing like it in any literature." — 
Taine.] 

It is a melancholy object to those who 
walk through this great town or travel in 
the country, when they see the streets, the 
roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beg- 
gars of the female sex, followed by three, 
four, or six children, all in rags and impor- 
tuning every passenger for an alms. These 
mothers, instead of being able to work for 
their honest livelihood, are forced to employ 
all their time in strolling to beg sustenance 
for their helpless infants ; who as they grow 
up either turn thieves for want of work, or 
leave their dear native country to fight for 
the pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to 
the Barbadoes. 

I think it is agreed by all parties that this 
prodigious number of children in the arms, 
or on the backs, or at the heels of their 
mothers, and freqi^ently of their fathers, is in 
the present deplorable state of the kingdom a 
111 



Swift 

very great additional grievance ; and there- 
fore whoever could find out a fair, cheap, 
and easy method of making these children 
sound useful members of the commonwealth, 
would deserve so well of the public as to 
have his statue set up for a preserver of the 
nation. 

But my intention is very far from being 
confined to provide only for the children of 
professed beggars; it is of a much greater 
extent, and shall take in the whole number 
of infants at a certain age who are born of 
parents in effect as little able to support 
them as those who demand our cliarit}^ in 
the streets. 

As to my own part, having turned my 
thoughts for many years upon this impor- 
tant suiaject, and maturely weighed the 
several schemes of our projectors, I have 
alwaj's found them grossh^ mistaken in their 
computations. It is true, a child just 
dropped from its dam, may be supported by 
her milk for a solar year, w4th little other 
nourishment ; at most not above the value 
of 2s., which the mother may certainly get, 
or the value in scraps by her lawful occupa- 
tion of begging; and it is exactly at one year 
old that I propose to provide for them in 
such a manner as instead of being a charge 
upon their parents or the parish, or wanting 
food and raiment for the rest of their lives, 
they shall on the contrary contribute to the 
112 



A Modest Proposal 

feeding, and partly to the clothing of many 
thousands. 

^ There is likewise another great advantage 
in my scheme, that it will prevent those 
voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice 
of women murdering their bastard children, 
alas, too fre(|uent among us ! sacrificing the 
poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid 
the expense than the shame, which would 
move tears and pity in the most savage and 
inhuman breast. 

The number of souls in this kingdom being 
usualh^ reckoned one million and a half, of 
these I calculate there ma}^ be about 200,000 
couple whose v/ives are breeders ; from which 
number I subtract 30,000 couple who are 
able to maintain their owni children, (al- 
though I apprehend there cannot be so 
many, under the present distresses of the 
kingdom;) but this being granted, there will 
remain 170,000 breeders. I again subtract 
50,000 for those women who miscarry, or 
whose children die by accident or disease 
"wdthin the year. There only remains 120,- 
000 children of poor parents annually bom. 
The question therefore is, how this number 
shall be reared and provided for? which as I 
have already said under the present situation 
of affairs is utterly impossible by all the 
methods hitherto proposed. For we can 
neither eniplo}^ them in handicraft nor agri- 
culture; we neither build houses (I mean in 
8 113 



Swift 

the country) nor cultivate land ; they can 
very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, 
till they arrive at six ^^ears old, except where 
they are of towardly parts ; although I con- 
fess they learn the rudiments much earlier; 
during which time, they can however be 
jDroperly looked upon only as probationers; 
as I have been informed by a principal gen- 
tleman in the county of Cavan, who pro- 
tested to me that he never knew above one 
or two instances under the age of six, even in 
a part of the kingdom so renowned for the 
Cjuickest proficiency in that art. 

I am assured by our merchants, that a 
bov or a girl before twelve years old is no 
saleable commodity; and even when they 
come to this age the\^ will not yield above 
3/. or 37. 2s. Qd. at most on the exchange; 
which cannot turn to account either to the 
parents or kingdom, the charge of nutri- 
ment and rags having been at least four 
times that value. 

I shall now therefore humbly propose my 
own thoughts, which I hope will not be 
liable to the least objection. 

I have been assured by a very knowing 
American of my acquaintance in London, 
that a young healthy child well nursed is at 
a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and 
wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, 
baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it 
will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout. 
114 



A Modest Proposal 

I do therefore humbly offer it to pubHc 
consideration that of the 120,000 children 
already computed, 20,000 may be reserved 
for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be 
males; which is more than we allow to 
sheep, black cattle or swane ; and my reason 
is, that these children are seldom the fruits 
of marriage, a circumstance not much re- 
garded by our savages, therefore one male 
will be sufficient to serve four females. Thus 
the remaining 100,000 may at a year old, be 
offered in sale to the persons of quality and 
fortune through the kingdom : ahvays advis- 
ing the mother to let them suck plentifully 
in the last month, so as to render them 
plump and fat for a good table. A child will 
make two dishes at an entertainment for 
friends ; and w^hen the family dines alone, the 
fore and hind quarter will make a reasonable 
dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or 
salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth 
day, especially in winter. I have reckoned 
upon a medium that a child just born will 
weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if 
tolerably nursed, will increase to 28 pounds. 

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, 
and therefore very proper for landlords, who, 
as they have already devoured most of the 
parents, seem to have the best title to the 
children. 

Infant's flesh will be in season throughout 
the year, but more plentifully in March, and 
115 



Swift 

a little before and after: for we are told by 
a grave author, an eminent French ph^^si- 
cian, that fish being a prolific diet, there are 
more children born in Roman Catholic coun- 
tries about nine months after Lent than at 
am^ other season ; therefore, reckoning a year 
after Lent, the markets will be more glutted 
than usual, because the number of popish 
infants is at least three to one in this king- 
dom: and therefore it will have one other 
collateral advantage, bv lessening the num- 
ber of papists among us. 

I haA^e already computed the charge of 
nursing a beggar's child (in which list I 
reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths 
of the farmers) to be about 2s. per annum, 
rags included; and I believe no gentleman 
would repine to gi^^e 10s. for the carcass of 
a good fat child, which as I have said will 
make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, 
when he has only some particular friend or 
his own famih' to dine with him. Thus the 
squire will learn to be a good landlord, and 
groAV popular among his tenants; the mother 
will have Ss. net profit, and be fit for work 
till she produces another child. 

Those who are more thrift}" (as I must 
confess the times require) may flay the car- 
cass; the skin of which artificialh' dressed 
will make admirable gloves for ladies, and 
summer boots for fine gentlemen. 

As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be 
116 



A Modest Proposal 

appointed for this purpose in the most con- 
venient parts of it, and butchers we may be 
assured will not be wanting; although I 
rather recommend buying the children alive 
than dressing them hot from the knife as we 
do roasting pigs. 

A very worthy person, a true lover of his 
country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, 
was lately pleased in discoursing on this 
matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. 
He said that many gentlemen of this king- 
dom, having of late destroyed their deer, he 
conceived that the want of venison might be 
well supplied by the bodies of young lads 
and maidens, not exceeding 14 years of age 
nor under 12 ; so great a number of both 
sexes in every country being now ready to 
starve for want of work and service; and 
these to be disposed of by their parents if 
alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. 
But with due deference to so excellent a 
friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot 
be altogether in his sentiments ; for as to the 
males, my American acquaintance assured 
me, from frequent experience, that their flesh 
was generally tough and lean, like that of 
our school-boys b^^ continual exercise, and 
their taste disagreeable ; and to fatten them 
would not answer the charge. Then as to 
the females, it would I think with humble 
submission be a loss to the public, because 
they soon would become breeders themselves : 
117 



Swift 

and besides, it is not improbable that some 
scrupulous people might be apt to censure 
such a practice, (although indeed very un- 
justl}^,) as a little bordering upon cruelty; 
which, I confess, has ahva^^s been wath me 
the strongest objection against any project, 
how w^ell soever intended. 

But in order to justify my friend, he con- 
fessed that this expedient was put into his 
head by the famous Psalm anazar, a native of 
the island of Formosa, Mrho came from thence 
to London above twenty years ago, and in 
conversation told my friend, that in his 
countrj^ when any young person happened to 
be put to death, the executioner sold the 
carcass to persons of quality as a prime 
dainty; and that in his time the body of a 
plump girl of 15, who was crucified for an 
attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to 
his imperial majesty's prime minister of 
state, and other great mandarins of the 
court, in joints from the gibbet, at 400 
crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if 
the same use were made of several plump 
young girls in this tov^^n, who Vv^thout one 
single groat to their fortunes cannot stir 
abroad without a chair, and appear at 
pla\^house and assemblies in foreign fineries 
w^hich thc}^ never w^ill pay for, the kingdom 
w^ould not be the worse. 

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in 
great concern about that vast number of 
118 



A Modest Proposal 

poor people, who are aged, cllseased, or 
maimed, and I have been desired to employ 
my thoughts what course may be taken to 
ease the nation of so grievous an encum- 
brance. But I am not in the least pain upon 
that matter, because it is very well known 
that they are every day dying and rotting by 
cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as 
fast as can be reasonably expected. And as 
to the young laborers they are now in al- 
most as hopeful a condition ; they cannot get 
work, and consequently pine a\vay for want 
of nourishment, to a degree that if at any 
time they are accidentally hired to common 
labour, they have not strength to perform it ; 
and thus the country and themselves are 
happily delivered from the evils to come. 

I have too long digressed, and therefore 
shall return to my subject. I think the ad- 
vantages by the proposal which I have made, 
are obvious and many as well as of the high- 
est importance. 

For first, as I have already observed, it 
w^ould greatly lessen the number of papists, 
with whom we are yearly overrun, being the 
principal breeders of the nation as well as 
our most dangerous enemies ; and who stay 
at home on purpose to deliver the kingdom 
to the pretender, hoping to take their ad- 
vantage b\^ the absence of so many good 
Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave 
their country than stay at home and pay the 
119 



Swift 

tithes against their conscience to an episcopal 
curate. 

Secondl}^, The poorer tenants will have 
something valuable of their own, which by 
law^ may be made liable to distress, and help 
to pay their landlord's rent: their corn and 
cattle being already seized, and money a 
thing unknown. 

Thirdh', Whereas the maintenance of 100,- 
000 children, from two years old and up- 
wards, cannot be computed at less than 10s. 
a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be 
thereby increased 50,0007. per annum, beside 
the profit of a new^ dish introduced to the 
tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the 
kingdom w^ho have any refinement in taste. 
And the money will circulate among our- 
selves, the goods being entirely of our ow^n 
growth and manufacture. 

Fourthh^, The constant breeders, beside 
the gain of 8s. sterling per annum by the 
sale of their children, will be rid of the 
charge of maintaining them after the first 
year. 

Fifthly, This food would likewise bring 
great custom to taverns ; where the vintners 
will certainh^ be so prudent as to procure the 
best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and 
consequently have their houses frequented by 
all the fine gentlemen, who justly value 
themselves upon their knowliedge in good 
eating: and a skilful cook, who understands 
• 120 



A Modest Proposal 

how to oblige his guests, will contrive to 
make it as expensive as they jDlease. 

Sixthly, This would be a great inducement 
to marriage, which all wise nations have 
either encouraged by rewards or enforced bj 
laws and penalties. It would increase the 
care and tenderness of mothers towards their 
children, when they were sure of a settle- 
ment for life to the poor babes, provided in 
some sort by the public, to their annual 
profit or expense. We should see an honest 
emulation among the married women, which 
of them could bring the fattest child to the 
market. Men would become as fond of their 
wives during the time of their pregnancy as 
they are now of their mares in foal, their 
cows in calf, their sows when they are ready 
to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them 
(as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a 
miscarriage. 

Many other advantages might be enumer- 
ated. For instance, the addition of some 
thousand carcasses in our exportation of 
barrelled beef, the propagation of swine's 
flesh, and improvement in the art of making 
good bacon, so much wanted among us by 
the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at 
our table ; which are no way comparable in 
taste or magnificance to a well-grov^n, fat, 
yearling child, which roasted whole will 
make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's 
feast or any other public entertainment. 
121 



Swift 

But this and many others I omit, being 
studious of brevit3\ 

Supposing that 1,000 families in this city 
would be constant customers for infant's 
flesh, beside others who might have it at 
merr^^'-meetings, particularh^ at weddings 
and christenings, I compute that Dublin 
would take off annually about 20,000 car- 
casses ; and the rest of the kingdom (where 
probably they will be sold somewhat 
cheaper) the remaining 80,000. 

I can think of no one objection that will 
possibly be raised against this proposal, un- 
less it should be urged that the number of 
people will be thereby much lessened in the 
kingdom. This I freely own, and it was 
indeed one principal design in offering it to 
the world. I desire the reader will observe 
that I calculate my remedy for this one in- 
dividual kingdom of Ireland and for no other 
that ever v^^as, is, or I think ever can be upon 
earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of 
other expedients : of taxing our absentees at 
5s. a-pound: of using neither clothes nor 
household furniture except what is of our 
own growth and manufacture: of utterly 
rejecting the materials and instruments that 
promote foreign luxury : of curing the expen- 
siveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gam- 
ing in our women : of introducing a vein of 
parsimonj^, prudence, and temperance; of 
learning to love our country, in :he want 
122 



A Modest Proposal 

of which we differ even from Laplanders and 
the inhabitants of Popinamboo : of quitting 
our animosities and factions, nor acting any 
longer Hke the Jews, who were murdering 
one another at the very moment their city 
was taken : of being a Httle cautious not to 
sell our country and conscience for nothing : 
of teaching landlords to have at least one 
degreeof mercy towards their tenants: lasth^, 
of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and 
skill into our shopkeepers ; who, if a resolu- 
tion could now be taken to buy only our 
negative goods, would immediately unite to 
cheat and exact upon us in the price, the 
measure, and the goodness, nor could ever 
yet be brought to make one fair proposal of 
just dealing, though often and earnestly in- 
vited to it. 

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me 
of these and the like expedients, till he has 
at least some glimpses of hope that there 
will be ever some hearty and sincere attempt 
to put them in practice. 

But as to myself, having been wearied out 
for many years with offering vain, idle, 
visionary thoughts, and at length utterly 
despairing of success I fortunately fell upon 
this proposal ; which, as it is wholly new, so 
it has something solid and real, of no expense 
and little trouble, full in our own power and 
whereby we can incur no danger in disoblig- 
ing England. For this kind of commodity 
123 



Swift 

■will not bear exportation, the flesh being of 
too tender a consistence to admit a long 
continuance in salt, although perhaps I could 
name a country which ^vould be glad to eat 
up our TA'hole nation \vithout it. 

After all, I am not so violently bent upon 
my own opinion as to reject any offer pro- 
posed by w4se men, which shall be found 
equalh' innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. 
But before something of that kind shall be 
advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and 
offering a better, I desire the author or 
authors will be pleased maturely to consider 
two points. First, as things now stand, 
how the\^ w411 be able to find food and rai- 
ment for 100,000 useless mouths and backs. 
And secondly, there being a round million of 
creatures in human figure throughout this 
kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into 
a common stock would leave them in debt 
2,000,000/. sterling, adding those who are 
beggars bj^ profession to the bulk of farmers, 
cottagers, and laborers, with the wives and 
children who are beggars in eflfect ; I desire 
those politicians who dislike my overture, 
and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt 
an answer, that the\^ will first ask the par- 
ents of these mortals, whether they would 
not at this day think.it a great happiness to 
have been sold for food at a year old in the 
manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided 
such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as the}^ 
124 



A Modest Proposal 

have since gone through by the oppression 
of landlords, the impossibiHty of paying rent 
without money or trade, the want of com- 
mon sustenance, with neither house nor 
clothes to cover them from the inclemencies 
of the weather, and the most inevitable pros- 
pect of entailing the like or greater miseries 
upon their breed for ever. 

I profess, in the sincerity of ni}^ heart, that 
I have not the least personal interest in en- 
deavouring to promote this necessary work, 
having no other motive than the public good 
of my country, by advancing our trade, pro- 
viding for infants, relieving the poor, and 
giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no 
children by which I can propose to get a 
single penny; the j^oungest being nine years 
old, and my wife past child-bearing. 



125 



Gulliver's Travels 



127 



Gulliver's Travels. 

[Tlae first edition of "Gulliver's Travels" appeared 
in 1726, but Swift had had the work in hand for 
many years. His dominant motive in writing the 
book is confessed in the letter to Pope, September 
29, 1725, published in this volume. In a letter to 
the Abbe des Fontaines, in August, 1727, Swift 
remarks: "This Gulliver's adherents, who are 
very numerous here, maintain that his book will 
last as long as our language, because he does not 
derive his merit from certain modes of expression 
or thought, but from a series of observations on 
the imperfections, follies, and vices of mankind." 
By a singular literary fate, this bitter satire 
against mankind has been handed down from 
generation to generation because of its extraor- 
dinary qualities as a work of fiction merely. It 
has been one of the most widely read of chil- 
dren's books, and the first two voyages, at least, 
may be read almost without suspicion of the ter- 
rible irony of the author.] 

THE ARRIVAL IN LILLIPUT. 
[From "A Voyage to Lilliput," Chap. I.] 

My father had a small estate in Notting- 
hamshire ; I was the third of five sons. He 
sent me to Emanuel College in Cambridge, 
at fourteen years old, w^here I resided three 
years, and applied myself close to my studies; 
but the charge of maintaining me (although 
9 129 



Swift 

I had a very scanty allowance) being too 
great for a narrow fortune, I was bound 
apprentice to Mr. James Bates, an eminent 
surgeon in London, with whom I continued 
four years; and my father now and then 
sending me small sums of money, I laid 
them out in learning navigation, and other 
parts of the mathematics, useful to those 
who intend to travel, as I always believed 
it w^ould be some time or other my fortune 
to do. When I left Mr. Bates, I went down 
to my father; where, b\^ the assistance of hiin 
and my uncle John, and some other relations, 
I got forty pounds, and a promise of thirty 
pounds a year to maintain me at Le\'den: 
there I studied physic two years and seven 
months, knowing it would be useful in long 
voyages. 

Soon after my return from Le^'den, I was 
recommended b\' my good master, Mr. Bates, 
to be surgeon to the Swallow, Captain 
Abraham Pannell, commander; with whom 
I continued three years and a half, making 
a YoyagG or tw^o into the Levant, and some 
other parts. When I came back I resolved to 
settle in London, to which Mr. Bates, my 
master, encouraged me, and by him I was 
recommended to several patients. I took 
part of a small house in the Old Jury; and 
being advised to alter my condition, I mar- 
ried Mrs. Mary Burton, second daughter to 
Mr. Edmund Burton, hosier, in Newgate- 
130 



Gulliver's Travels 

street, with whom I received four hundred 
pounds for a portion. 

But, my good master Bates dying in two 
years after, and I having few friends, my 
business began to fail; for my conscience 
would not suffer me to imitate the bad 
practice of too many among my brethren. 
Having therefore consulted with my wife, 
and some of my acquaintance, I determined 
to go again to sea. I was surgeon succes- 
sively in two ships, and made several voy- 
ages, for six years, to the East and West 
Indies, by which I got some addition to my 
fortune. My hours of leisure I spent in read- 
ing the best authors, ancient and modern, 
being always provided with a good number 
of books; and when I was ashore, in ob- 
serving the manners and dispositions of the 
people, as well as learning their language, 
wherein I had a great facility by the strength 
of my memory. 

The last of these voyages not proving very 
fortunate, I grew weary of the sea, and in- 
tended to stay at home with my wife and 
family. I removed from Old Jury to Fetter- 
Lane, and from thence to Wapping, hoping 
to get business among the sailors; but it 
would not turn to account. After three 
years' expectation that things would mend, I 
accepted an advantageous offer from Captain 
William Prichard, master of the Antelope^ 
who was making a voyage to the South- 
131 



Swift 

Sea. We set sail from Bristol, May 4, 1699, 
and our voyage at first was very prosper- 
ous. 

It would not be proper, for some reasons, 
to trouble the reader with the particulars of 
our adventures in those seas : let it suffice to 
inform him, that in our passing from thence 
to the East Indies, we were driven by a vio- 
lent storm to the north-west of Van Diemen's 
Land. By an observation, \ve found our- 
selves in the latitude of 30 degrees 2 minutes 
south. Twelve of our crew were dead by 
immoderate labour and ill food, the rest were 
in a ver\' weak condition. On the fifth of 
November, which was the beginning of sum-r 
mer in those parts, the weather being very 
haz}^, the seamen spied a rock, within half a 
cable's length of the ship; but the wind was 
so strong, that we were driven directh' upon 
it, and immediateh^ split. Six of the crew, 
of whom I was one, having let down the 
boat into the sea, made a shift to get clear 
of the ship, and the rock. We rowed, by my 
computation, about three leagues, till w^e 
were able to work no longer, being already 
spent with labour while we were in the ship. 
We therefore trusted ourselves to the mercy 
of the waves, and in about half an hour the 
boat was overset by a sudden flurr\^ from the 
north. What became of my companions in 
the boat, as well as of those who escaped on 
the rock, or were left in the vessel, I cannot 
132 



Gulliver's Travels 

tell; but conclude they were lost. For my 
own part, I swam as fortune directed me, 
and was pushed forwards by wind and tide. 
I often let my legs drop, and could feel no 
bottom: but when I was almost gone, and 
able to struggle no longer, I found myself 
within my depth; and by this time the 
storm was much abated. The declivit\^ was 
so small, that I walked near a mile before I 
got to the shore, which I conjectured was 
about eight a clock in the evening. I then 
advanced forwards near half a mile, but could 
not discover any sign of houses or inhabi- 
tants ; at least I was in so weak a condition, 
that I did not observe them. I was ex- 
tremely tired, and with that, and the heat of 
the weather, and about half a pint of brandy 
that I drank as I left the ship, I found my- 
self much inclined to sleep. I lay down on 
the grass, which was very short and soft, 
where I slept sounder than ever I remember 
to have done in my life, and, as I reckoned, 
about nine hours; for when I awaked, it was 
just day-light. I attempted to rise, but was 
not able to stir : for as I happened to lie on 
my back, I found my arms and legs were 
strongly fastened on each side to the ground ; 
and my hair, which was long and thick, tied 
down in the same manner. I likewise felt 
several slender ligatures across my body, 
from my arm-pits to my thighs. I could only 
look upwards, the sun began to grow hot, 
133 



Swift 

and the light offended mj eyes. I heard a 
confused noise about me, but in the posture I 
la\% could see nothing except the sk3^ In a 
little time I felt something alive moving on 
my left leg, which advancing gently forwards 
over my breast, came almost up to my chin; 
when bending m^^ eyes downwards as much 
as I cotild, I perceived it to be a human 
creature not six inches high,* with a bow 
and arrow in his hands, and a quiver at his 
back. In the mean time, I felt at least forty 
more of the same kind (as I conjectured) 
following the first. I was in the utmost 
astonishment, and roared so loud, that they 
all ran back in a fright ; and some of them, 
as I was afterwards told, were hurt with the 
falls the^' got by leaping from my sides upon 
the ground. However, they soon returned, 
and one of them who ventured so far as to 
get a full sight of my face, lifting up his 
hands and eyes b}^ way of admiration, cried 
out in a shrill, but distinct voice, Hekinah 
degtil: the others repeated the same words 
several times, but then I knew not what 
they meant. I lay all this while, as the 
reader may believe, in great uneasiness : at 
length struggling to get loose, I had the 
fortune to break the strings, and wrench out 

*Lilliput and its inhabitants are drawn on the 
scale of one inch to a foot. In the "Voyage to 
Brobdingnag" the scale is the same reversed, /.e., 
one foot to an inch, 

134 



Gulliver's Travels 

the pegs that fastened my left arm to the 
ground; for, by Hfting it tip to my face, I 
discovered the methods they had taken to 
bind me, and at the same time with a vio- 
lent pull, which gave me excessive pain, I a 
little loosened the strings that tied down my 
hair on the left side, so that I was just able 
to turn m\^ head about two inches. But the 
creatures ran oft^a second time, before I could 
seize them ; whereupon there was a great 
shout in a very shrill accent, and after it 
ceased, I heard one of them cry aloud Tolgo 
phonac; when in an instant I felt above an 
hundred arrows discharged on my left hand, 
which pricked me like so many needles ; and 
besides, thc}^ shot another flight into the air, 
as we do bombs in Europe, whereof many, I 
suppose, fell on my body, (though I felt them 
not) and some on my face, which I imme- 
diately covered with my left hand. When this 
shower of arrows was over, I fell a groaning 
with grief and pain, and then striving again 
to get loose, they discharged another volley 
larger than the first, and some of them at- 
tempted with spears to stick me in the sides; 
but, by good luck, I had on a buft' jerkin, 
which the\^ could not pierce. I thought it 
the most prudent matter to lie still, and my 
design was to continue so till night, when, 
my left hand being already loose, I could 
easily free myself: and as for the inhabitants, 
I had reason to believe I might be a match 
135 



Swift 

for the greatest annies the\^ could bring 
against me, if the}^ were all of the same size 
with him that I saw. But fortune disposed 
otherwise of me. When the people observed 
I was quiet, they discharged no more ar- 
rows ; but, by the noise I heard, I knew their 
numbers increased ; and about four yards 
from me, over against my right ear, I heard 
a knocking for above an hour, like that of 
people at work ; when turning m^- head that 
way, as well as the pegs and strings would 
permit me, I saw a stage erected, about a 
foot and a half from the ground, capable of 
holding four of the inhabitants, with two or 
three ladders to mount it : from whence one 
of them, who seemed to be a person of 
quality, made me a long speech, whereof I 
understood not one syllable. But I should 
have mentioned, that before the principal 
person began his oration, he cried out three 
times, Langro dehul san: (these words and 
the former were afterw^ards repeated and 
explained to me). Whereupon immediately 
about fift\^ of the inhabitants came and cut 
the strings that fastened the left side of my 
head, which gave me the liberty of turning it 
to the right, and of observing the person and 
gesture of him that was to speak. He ap- 
jDcared to be of a middle age, and taller than 
any of the other three who attended him, 
whereof one was a page that held up his 
train, and seemed to be somewhat longer 
136 



Gulliver's Travels 

than my middle finger; the other two stood 
one on each side to support him. He acted 
every part of an orator, and I could observe 
many periods of threatenings, and others of 
promises, pity, and kindness. I answered in 
a few words, but in the most submissive 
manner, lifting up my left hand, and both 
my eyes to the sun, as calling him for a 
witness; and being almost famished with 
hunger, having not eaten a morsel for some 
hours before I left the ship, I found the de- 
mands of nature so strong upon me, that I 
could not forbear showing my impatience 
(perhaps against the strict rules of decency) 
by putting my finger frequently on my 
mouth, to signify that I wanted food. The 
Hurgo (for so they call a great lord, as I 
afterwards learned) understood meveryv^ell. 
He descended from the stage, and com- 
manded that several ladders should be ap- 
plied to my sides, on which above an hun- 
dred of the inhabitants mounted and walked 
towards my mouth, laden with baskets full 
of meat, which had been provided and sent 
thither by the King's orders, upon the first 
intelligence he received of me. I observed 
there was the flesh of several animals, but 
could not distinguish them by the taste. 
There were shoulders, legs, and loins, shaped 
like those of mutton, and very well dressed, 
but smaller than the wings of a lark. I eat 
them by two or three at a mouthful, and 
137 



Swift 

took three loaves at a time, about the big- 
ness of musket bullets. They suiDplied me as 
fast as they could, showing a thousand 
marks of wonder and astonishment at my 
bulk and appetite. I then made another 
sign that I wanted drink. They found by 
my eating, that a small quantit}^ w-ould not 
suffice me; and being a most ingenious peo- 
ple, they slung up with great dexterity one 
of their largest hogsheads, then rolled it to- 
wards my hand, and beat out the top; I 
drank it off at a draught, which I might 
w^ell do, for it did not hold half a pint, and 
tasted like a small wine of Burgundy, but 
much more delicious. They brought me a 
second hogshead, which I drank in the same 
manner, and made signs for more, but they 
had none to give me. When I had performed 
these wonders, they shouted for joy, and 
danced ujoon ni}^ breast, repeating several 
times as they did at first, Hekinah degul. 
They made me a sign that I should throw 
down the two hogsheads, but first warning 
the people below to stand out of the way, 
crying aloud, Borach mivola^ and when they 
saw the vessels in the air, there was an 
universal shout of Hekinah degul. I confess 
I was often tempted, while they were passing 
backwards and forwards on my body, to seize 
fortv or fift}^ of the first that came in my 
reach, and dash them against the ground. 
But the remembrance of what I had felt, 
138 



Gulliver's Travels 

which probably might not be the worst they 
could do, and the promise of honour I made 
them, for so I interpreted my submissive be- 
haviour, soon drove out these imaginations. 
Besides, I now considered myself as bound 
by the laws of hospitality to a people who 
had treated me with so much expense and 
magnificence. However, in my thoughts, I 
could not sufficiently w^onder at the intrepid- 
ity of these diminutive mortals, who durst 
venture to mount and walk upon my body, 
while one of my hands was at libert}^, with- 
out trembling at the very sight of so pro- 
digious a creature as I must appear to them. 
After some time, when they observed that I 
made no more demands for meat, there ap- 
peared before me a person of high rank from 
his Imperial Majesty. His Excellency, having 
mounted on the small of my right leg, ad- 
vanced forwards up to my face, with about 
a dozen of his retinue. And producing his 
credentials under the Signet Royal, which he 
applied close to my eyes, spoke about ten 
minutes, without any sign of anger, but 
with a kind of determinate resolution ; often 
pointing forwards, which, as I afterwards 
found, was towards the capital city, about 
half a mile distant, whither it was agreed by 
his Majesty in council that I must be con- 
veyed. I answered in a few words, but to 
no purpose, and made a sign with my hand 
that was loose, putting it to the other (but 
139 



Swift 

over his Excellenc3^'s head for fear of hurting 
him or his train) and then to my own head 
and body, to signify' that I desired my Hb- 
erty. It appeared that he understood me 



w 



ell enough, for he shook his head bv w 



'&^^' 



of disapprobation, and held his hand in a 
posture to show that I must be carried as a 
prisoner. However, he made other signs to 
let me understand that I should have meat 
and drink enough, and ver^^ good treatment. 
Whereupon I once more thought of attempt- 
ing to break my bonds ; but again, when I 
felt the smart of their arrows, upon my face 
and hands, which were all in blisters, and 
many of the darts still sticking in them, and 
observing likewise that the number of my ene- 
mies increased, I gave tokens to let them 
know that they might do with me what 
they pleased. Upon this, the Hurgo and his 
train w^thdrew^, with much civilit\^ and 
cheerful countenances. Soon after I heard a 
general shout, with frequent repetitions of 
the words, Peplom selan, and I felt great 
numbers of people on my left side relaxing 
the cords to such a degree, that I was able 
to turn upon my right, and to ease myself 
w^ith making water; which I very plenti- 
fully did, to the great astonishment of the 
people, who conjecturing by my motions 
w^hat I was going to do, immediately opened 
to the right and left on that side, to avoid 
the torrent which fell with such noise and 
140 



Gulliver's Travels 

violence from me. But before this, they had 
daubed m^^ face and both mj hands with a 
sort of ointment very pleasant to the smell, 
which in a few minutes removed all the 
smart of their arrows. These circumstances, 
added to the refreshment I had received b_v 
their victuals and drink, which were ver}' 
nourishing, disposed me to sleep. I slept 
about eight hours, as I was afterwards as- 
sured; and it was no wonder, for the phy- 
sicians, by the Emperor's order, had min- 
gled a sleepy potion in the hogshead of 
wine. 

It seems that upon the first moment I was 
discovered sleeping on the ground after my 
landing, the Emperor had early notice of it 
by an express ; and determined in council 
that I should be tied in the manner I have 
related, (which was done in the night while 
I slept) that plenty of meat and drink should 
be sent to me, and a machine prepared to 
carry me to the capital city. 



THE DIVERSIONS OF THE COURT. 

[From "A Voyage to Lilliput," Chap. III.] 

My gentleness and good behaviour had 

gained so far on the Emperor and his court, 

and indeed upon the army and people in 

general, that I began to conceive hopes of 

141 



Swift 

getting my liberty in a short time. I took 
all possible methods to cultivate this favour- 
able disposition. The natives came by de- 
grees to be less apprehensive of any danger 
from me. I would sometimes lie down, and 
let five or six of them dance on my hand. 
And at last the boys and girls would venture 
to come and pla}- at hide and seek in my 
hair. I had now made a good progress in 
understanding and speaking their language. 
The Emperor had a mind one day to enter- 
tain me with several of the country shows, 
wherein they exceed all nations I have 
known, both for dexterity and magnificence. 
I was diverted with none so much as that of 
the rope-dancers, performed upon a slender 
white thread, extended about two foot, and 
twelve inches from the ground. Upon which 
I shall desire liberty, with the reader's pa- 
tience, to enlarge a little. 

This diversion is only practised b\' those 
persons who are candidates for great em- 
plo^anents, and high favour, at court. They 
are trained in this art from their youth, and 
are not always of noble birth, or liberal 
education. When a great office is vacant, 
either by death or disgrace, (which often 
happens) five or six of those candidates peti- 
tion the Emperor to entertain his Majesty 
and the court with a dance on the rope, and 
whoever jumps the highest without falling, 
succeeds in the office. Very often the chief 
142 



Gulliver's Travels 

ministers themselves are commanded to show 
their skill, and to convince the Emperor that 
they have not lost their factllt3^ Flimnap, 
the Treasurer, is allowed to cut a caper on 
the straight rope, at least an inch higher 
than any other lord in the whole empire.* 
I have seen him do the summerset several 
times together upon a trencher fixed on the 
rope, which is no thicker than a common 
pack-thread in England. My friend Rel- 
dresal, t principal Secretary for Private Affairs, 
is, in m\^ opinion, if I am not partial, the 
second after the Treasurer ; the rest of the 
great officers are much upon a par. 

These diversions are often attended with 
fatal accidents, whereof great numbers are 
on record. I m^^self have seen two or three 
candidates break a limb. But the danger is 
much greater when the ministers themselves 
are commanded to show their dexterity; for, 
by contending to excel themselves and their 
fellows, they strain so far, that there is 
hardly one of them who hath not received a 
fall, and some of them two or three. I was 
assured that a year or two before my ar- 
rival, Flimnap would have infallibh^ broken 
his neck, if one of the King's cushions, that 

* The satire is directed against the Court of 
George I. Flimnap represents Sir Robert Walpole, 
the object of Swift's most bitter enmity. 

f Reldresal is perhaps intended for Earl Stan- 
hope, who succeeded Walpole in 1717. 
143 



Swift 

accidentally lay on the ground, had not 
weakened the force of his fall.* 

There is likewise another diversion, which 
is only shown before the Emperor and Em- 
press, and first minister, upon particular 
occasions. The Emperor lays on the table 
three fine silken threads of six inches long. 
One is blue, the other red, and the third 
green.f These threads are proposed as prizes 
for those persons whom the Emperor hath a 
mind to distinguish by a peculiar mark of his 
favour. The ceremony is performed in his 
Majesty's great chamber of state, where the 
candidates are to undergo a trial of dexter- 
ity very different from the former, and such 
as I have not observed the least resemblance 
of in any other country of the old or the 
new world. The Emperor holds a stick in 
his hands, both ends parallel to the horizon, 
while the candidates advancing one by one, 
sometimes leap over the stick; sometimes 
creep under it backwards and forwards several 
times, according as the stick is advanced or 
depressed. Sometimes the Emperor holds 
one end of the stick, and his first minister the 
other ; sometimes the minister has it entirely 

*A reference to Walpole's resignation in 1717. 
The "King's cushion" is supposed to be the 
Duchess of Kendal, one of the mistresses of George 
I., by whose interest Walpole was restored to 
office on the death of Stanhope in 1721. 

f The ribbons represent those of the Garter, the 
Bath, and the Thistle. 

144 



Gulliver's Travels 

to himself. Whoever performs his part with 
most agihty, and holds out the longest in 
leaping and creeping, is rewarded with the 
blue-coloured silk; the red is given to the next, 
and the green to the third, which they all 
w^ear girt twice round about the middle ; and 
you see few great persons about this court, 
who are not adorned with one of these 
girdles. 

THE ARRIVAL IN BROBDINGNAG. 

[From "A Voyage to Brobdingnag," Chap. I.] 

On the 16th day of June, 1703, a boy on 
the top-mast discovered land. On the 17th 
"we came in full view of a great island or 
continent (for we knew not whether) on the 
south side whereof was a small neck of land 
jutting out into the sea, and a creek too 
shallow to hold a ship of above one hundred 
tons. We cast anchor within a league of this 
creek, and our Captain sent a dozen of his 
men well armed in the long-boat, with ves- 
sels for water if any could be found. I de- 
sired his leave to go with them, that I might 
see the countrj^, and make what discoveries 
I could. When we came to land we saw no 
river or spring, nor any sign of inhabitants. 
Our men therefore wandered on the shore to 
find out some fresh water near the sea, and 
I walked alone about a mile on the other 
10 145 



Swift 

side, where I observed the country all barren 
and rocky. I now began to be wear}-, and 
seeing nothing to entertain my curiosity, I 
returned gently down towards the creek; and 
the sea being full in my view, I saw our men 
already got into the boat, and rowing for 
life to the ship. I was going to hollow after 
them, although it had been to little purpose, 
when I observed a huge creature walking 
after them in the sea, as fast as he could: 
he waded not much deeper than his knees, 
and took prodigious strides: but our men 
had the start of him half a league, and the 
sea the:"eabouts being full of sharp-pointed 
rocks, the monster was not able to overtake 
the boat. This I was afterwards told, for I 
durst not sta\' to see the issue of that ad- 
venture; but ran as fast as I could the way 
I first went, and then climbed up a steep 
hill, which gave me some prospect of the 
countr^^ I found it fully cultivated ; but that 
which first surprised me was the length of 
the grass, which in those grounds that 
seemed to be kept for hay, was about twenty 
foot high. 

I fell into a high road, for so I took it to 
be, though it served to the inhabitants only 
as a foot-path through a field of barley. 
Here I walked on for some time, but could 
see little on either side, it being now near 
harvest, and the corn rising at least forty 
foot. I was an hour walking to the end of 
146 



Gulliver's Travels 

this field, which was fenced in with a hedge 
of at least one hundred and twenty foot 
high, and the trees so lofty that I could make 
no computation of their altitude. There was 
a stile to pass from this field into the next. 
It had four steps, and a stone to cross over 
when you came to the uppermost. It was 
impossible for me to climb this stile, because 
every step was six foot high, and the upper 
stone above twent^^ I was endeavouring to 
find some gap in the hedge, \vhen I dis- 
covered one of the inhabitants in the next 
field, advancing towards the stile, of the same 
size with him whom I saw in the sea pursu- 
ing our boat. He appeared as tall as an 
ordinary spire-steeple, and took about ten 
yards at every stride, as near as I could 
guess. I was struck with the utmost fear 
and astonishment, and ran to hide myself in 
the corn, from whence I saw him at the top 
of the stile, looking back into the next field 
on the right hand, and heard him call in a 
voice many degrees louder than a speaking- 
trumpet : but the noise was so high in the 
air, that at first I certainly thought it was 
thunder. Whereupon seven monsters like 
himself came towards him with reaping- 
hooks in their hands, each hook about the 
largeness of six scj^thes. These people were 
not so well clad as the first, whose servants 
or labourers the^^ seemed to be: for, upon 
some words he spoke, they went to reap the 
147 



Swift 

corn in the field where I la3^ I kept from 
them at as great a distance as I could, but 
was forced to move with extreme difficulty, 
for the stalks of the corn were sometimes 
not above a foot distant, so that I could 
hardly squeeze my bod}" betwixt them. How- 
ever, I made a shift to go forwards till I 
came to a part of the field where the corn 
had been laid b}^ the rain and wind. Here 
it was impossible for me to advance a step ; 
for the stalks were so interwoven that I 
could not creep through, and the beards of 
the fallen ears so strong and pointed that 
they pierced through my clothes into mv 
flesh. At the same time I heard the reapers 
not above an hundred yards behind me. Be- 
ing quite dispirited with toil, and wholly 
overcome by grief and despair, I lay down 
between two ridges, and heartily wished I 
might there end my days. I bemoaned my 
desolate widow, and fatherless children. I 
lamented m_y own foU}^ and wilfulness in 
attempting a second A^oyage against the 
advice of all my friends and relations. In 
this terrible agitation of mind I could not for- 
bear thinking of Lilliput, whose inhabitants 
looked upon me as the greatest prodig\^ that 
ever appeared in the world; where I was 
able to draw an Imperial Fleet in my hand, 
and perform those other actions which will 
be recorded for ever in the chronicles of that 
empire, while posterity shall hardly believe 
148 



Gulliver's Travels 

them, although attested by millions. I re- 
flected what a mortification it must prove to 
me to appear as inconsiderable in this nation 
as one single Lilliputian would be amongst 
us. But this I conceived was to be the least 
of my misfortunes : for, as human creatures 
are observed to be more savage and cruel in 
proportion to their bulk, what could I ex- 
pect but to be a morsel in the mouth of the 
first among these enormous barbarians that 
should happen to seize me? Undoubtedly 
philosophers are in the right when they tell 
us, that nothing is great or little otherwise 
than by comparison. It might have pleased 
fortune to have let the Lilliputians find some 
nation, where the people were as diminutive 
with respect to them, as they were to me. 
And who knows but that even this prodig- 
ious race of mortals might be equally over- 
matched in some distant part of the world, 
whereof we have yet no discovery? 

Scared and confounded as I was, I could 
not forbear going on with these reflections, 
when one of the reapers approaching within 
ten yards of the ridge where I lay, made me 
apprehend that with the next step I should 
be squashed to death under his foot, or cut 
in two with his reaping-hook. And there- 
fote when he was again about to move, I 
screamed as loud as fear could make me. 
Whereupon the huge creature trod short, and 
looking round about under him for some 
149 



Swift 

time, at last espied me as I lay on the 
ground. He considered a while with the 
caution of one who endeavours to lay hold 
on a small dangerous animal in such a ftian- 
ner that it shall not be able either to scratch 
or bite him, as I m^'self have sometimes done 
with a weasel in England. At length he ven- 
tured to take me up behind by the middle 
between his forefinger and thumlj, and 
brought me v^dthin three yards of his eyes, 
that he might behold my shape more per- 
fectly. I guessed his meaning, and m3' good 
fortune gave me so much presence of mind, 
that I resolved not to struggle in the least 
as he held me in the air about sixty foot 
from the ground, although he grievously 
pinched my sides, for fear I should slip 
through his fingers. All I ventured Avas to 
raise my eyes towards the sun, and place my 
hands together in a supplicating posture, 
and to speak some words in an humble 
melanchoh^ tone, suitable to the condition I 
then was in. For I ap])rehended every mo- 
ment that he would dash me against the 
ground, as we usually do any little hateful 
animal which we have a mind to destroy. 
But my good star would have it, that he 
appeared pleased with my voice and gestures, 
and began to look upon me as a curiosity, 
much wondering to hear me pronounce artic- 
ulate words, although he could not under- 
stand them. In the meantime I was not 
150 



Gulliver's Travels 

able to forbear groaning and shedding tears, 
and turning my head towards my sides; let- 
ting him know, as well as I could, how^ 
cruelly I was hurt by the pressure of his 
thumb and finger. He seemed to apprehend 
my meaning ; for, lifting up the lappet of his 
coat, he put me gently into it, and imme- 
diatel}^ ran along with me to his master, who 
was a substantial farmer, and the same per- 
son I had first seen in the field. 



THE KING ENQUIRES ABOUT ENGLAND. 

[From "A Vovage to Brobdingnag," Chap. 
YL] 

I BEGAN my discourse by informing his 
Majesty, that our dominions consisted of 
two islands, which composed three mighty 
kingdoms under one sovereign, beside our 
plantations in America. I dw^elt long upon 
the fertility of our soil, and the temperature 
of our climate. I then spoke at large upon 
the constitution of an English Parliament, 
partly made up of an illustrious body called 
the House of Peers, persons of the noblest 
blood, and of the most ancient and ample 
patrimonies. I described that extraordinary 
care always taken of their education in arts 
and arms, to qualify them for being coun- 
sellors born to the king and kingdom; to 
have a share in the legislature; to be mem- 
151 



Swift 

bers of the highest Court of Judicature, from 
whence there could be no appeal ; and to be 
champions always ready for the defence of 
their prince and countr\^, by their valour, 
conduct, and fidelit3^ That these were the 
ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, 
worthy followers of their most renowned 
ancestors, whose honour had been the re- 
ward of their virtues, from which their pos- 
terity were never once known to degenerate. 
To these were joined several holy persons, as 
part of that assembh-, under the title of 
Bishops, whose peculiar business it is to take 
care of religion, and of those w^ho instruct 
the people therein. These were searched and 
sought out through the whole nation, by the 
prince and his wisest counsellors, among 
such of the priesthood as were most de- 
servedly distinguished by the sanctity of their 
lives, and the depth of their erudition ; who 
were indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy 
and the people. 

That the other part of the Parliament con- 
sisted of an assembly called the House of 
Commons, v^^ho were all principal gentlemen, 
freely picked and culled out by the people 
themselves, for their great abilities and love 
of their country, to represent the wisdom of 
the whole nation. And these two bodies 
make up the most august assembly in Eu- 
rope, to whom, in conjunction with the 
prince, the whole legislature is committed. 
152 



Gulliver's Travels 

I then descended to the Courts of Justice, 
over which the Judges, those venerable 
sages and interpreters of the law, presided, 
for determining the disputed rights and 
properties of men, as well as for the punish- 
ment of vice, and protection of innocence. I 
mentioned the prudent management of our 
treasury ; the valour and achievements of our 
forces by sea and land. I computed the 
number of our people, by reckoning how 
many millions there might be of each re- 
ligious sect, or political party among us. I 
did not omit even our sports and pastimes, 
or any other particular which I thought 
might redound to the honour of my country. 
And I finished all with a brief historical ac- 
count of affairs and events in England for 
about an hundred years past. 

This conversation was not ended under 
five audiences, each of several hours, and the 
King heard the whole with great attention, 
fre({uently taking notes of what I spoke, as 
well as memorandums of what questions he 
intended to ask me. 

When I had put an end to these long dis- 
courses, his Majesty in a sixth audience con- 
sulting his notes, proposed many doubts, 
queries, and objections, upon every article. 
He asked what methods were used to culti- 
vate the minds and bodies of our young 
nobility, and in what kind of business they 
commonly spent the first and teachable part 
153 



Swift 

of their lives. What course was taken to 
supply that assembly when any noble family 
became extinct. Wliat qualifications \vere 
necessary in those who are to lie created new 
lords : whether the humour of the prince, a 
sum of money to a court lady, or a prime 
minister, or a design of strengthening a 
party opposite to the pubhc interest, ever 
happened to be motives in those advance- 
ments. What share of kno^vledge these lords 
had in the laws of their country, and ho\sr 
they came by it, so as to enable them to 
decide the properties of their fellow-subjects 
in the last resort. WTiether they were always 
so free from avarice, partialities, or want, 
that a bribe, or some other sinister view, 
could have no place among them. Whether 
those holy lords I spoke of were always pro- 
moted to that rank upon account of their 
knowledge in religious matters, and the 
sanctity of their lives, had never been com- 
pliers with the times, while they were com- 
mon priests, or slavish prostitute chaplains 
to some nobleman, whose opinions they con- 
tinued servilely to follow after they were 
admitted into that assembly. 

He then desired to know what arts were 
practised in electing those whom I called 
commoners: whether a stranger with a 
strong purse might not influence the vulgar 
voters to choose him before their o^wm land- 
lord, or the most considerable gentleman in 
154 



Gulliver's Travels 

the neighbourhood. How it came to pass, 
that people were so violently bent upon 
getting into this assembly, which I allowed 
to be a great trouble and expense, often to 
the ruin of their families, without any salary 
or i:)ension: because this appeared such an 
exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, 
that his Majest}^ seemed to doubt it might 
possibly not be always sincere: and he de- 
sired to know whether such zealous gentle- 
men could have any views of refunding them- 
selves for the charges and trouble the}^ were 
at, by sacrificing the public good to the de- 
signs of a weak and vicious prince in con- 
junction with a corrupted ministr}-. He 
multiplied his questions, and sifted me thor- 
oughly^ upon every part of this head, propos- 
ing numberless enquiries and objections, 
which I think it not prudent or convenient 
to repeat. 

Upon what I said in relation to our 
Courts of Justice, his Majesty desired to be 
satisfied in several points : and this I was the 
better able to do, having been formerly al- 
most ruined by a long suit in chancery, 
which was decreed for me with costs. He 
asked, what time was usuall}^ spent in de- 
termining between right and wrong, and 
what degree of expense. Whether advocates 
and orators had liberty to plead in causes 
manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, 
or oppressive. Whether part}^ in religion or 
155 



Swift 

politics were observed to be of any weight 
in the scale of justice. Whether those plead- 
ing orators were persons educated in the 
general knowledge of equity, or only in pro- 
vincial, national, and other local customs. 
Whether the}^ or their judges had any part 
in penning those laws which they assumed 
the liberty' of interpreting and glossing upon 
at their pleasure. Whether they had ever at 
different times pleaded for and against the 
same cause, and cited precedents to prove 
contrary opinions. Whether they were a rich 
or a poor corporation. Whether they re- 
ceived any pecuniary reward for pleading or 
delivering their opinions. And particularly, 
v^hether they were ever admitted as members 
in the lower senate. 

He fell next upon the management of our 
treasury; and said, he thought my memory 
had failed me, because I computed our taxes 
at about five or six millions a year, and 
when I came to mention the issues, he found 
they sometimes amounted to more than 
double ; for the notes he had taken were very 
particular in this point, because he hoped, as 
he told me, that the knowledge of our con- 
duct might be useful to him, and he could 
not be deceived in his calculations. But, if 
what I told him were true, he was still at a 
loss how a kingdom could run out of its 
estate like a private person. He asked me, 
who were our creditors; and where we 
156 



Gulliver's Travels 

should find money to pay them. He won- 
dered to hear me talk of such chargeable 
and expensive wars ; that certainly we must 
be a quarrelsome people, or live among very 
bad neighbours, and that our generals must 
needs be richer than our kings. He asked 
what business we had out of our own 
islands, unless upon the score of trade or 
treaty, or to defend the coasts with our 
fleet. Above all, he was amazed to hear me 
talk of a mercenary standing army in the 
midst of peace, and among a free people. He 
said, if we were governed by our ow^n con- 
sent in the persons of our representatives, he 
could not imagine of whom we were afraid, 
or against whom we were to fight ; and 
would hear my opinion, v^diether a private 
man's house might not better be defended by 
himself, his children, and family, than by 
half a dozen rascals picked ujd at a venture 
in the streets, for small wa^es, v^ho migrht 
get an hundred times more by cutting their 
throats. 

He laughed at my odd kind of arithmetic 
(as he was pleased to call it) in reckoning 
the numbers of our people by a computation 
drawn from the several sects among us in 
religion and politics. He said, he knew no 
reason, why those who entertain opinions 
prejudicial to the public, should be obliged 
to change, or should not be obliged to 
conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any 
157 



Swift 

government to require the first, so it was 
weakness not to enforce the second: for a 
man may be allowed to keep poisons in his 
closet, but not to vend them about for 
cordials. 

He observed, that among the diversions of 
our nobility and gentry, I had mentioned 
gaining. He desired to know at \vhat age 
this entertainment was usually taken up, 
and when it was laid doAvn; how much of 
their time it emplo\'ed ; whether it ever went 
so high as to aifect their fortunes ; whether 
mean, vicious people, by their dexterit\' in 
that art, might not arrive at great riches, 
and sometimes keep our very nobles in de- 
j3endence, as well as habituate them to vile 
companions, wholly take them from the im- 
provement of their minds, and force them, 
by the losses they have received, to learn and 
practise that infamous dexterity upon others. 

He was perfectly astonished with the his- 
torical account I gave him of our affairs dur- 
ing the last century, protesting it was only 
an heap of conspiracies, rebellions, murders, 
massacres, revolutions, banishments, the 
very worst effects that avarice, faction, 
hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, mad- 
ness, hatred, envy, lust, malice, or ambition, 
could produce. 

His Majest}^, in another audience, was at 
the pains to recapitulate the sum of all I had 
spoken; compared the questions he made 
158 



Gulliver's Travels 

with the answers I had given; then taking 
me into his hands, and stroking me gently, 
delivered himself in these words, which I 
shall never forget, nor the manner he spoke 
them in: My Httle friend Grildrig, you have 
made a most admirable panegyric upon your 
country ; j^ou have clearly proved that igno- 
rance, idleness, and vice, are the proper in- 
gredients for quahf\4ng a legislator: that 
laws are best explained, interpreted, and ap- 
plied by those vvdiose interest and abilities 
lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding 
them. I observe amcng you some lines of 
an institution, which in its original might 
have been tolerable, but these half erased, 
and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by 
corruptions. It doth not appear from all you 
have said, how any one virtue is required 
tov^'ards the procurement of any one station 
among you ; much less that men are ennobled 
on account of their virtue, that priests are 
advanced for their piety or learning, soldiers 
for their conduct or valour, judges for their 
integrity, senators for the love of their coun- 
try, or counsellors for their wisdom. As for 
yourself (continued the King), who have 
spent the greatest part of your life in trav- 
elling, I am well disposed to hope you may 
hitherto have escaped many vices of your 
countr\\ But by what I have gathered from 
your own relation, and the answers I have 
with much pains wringed and extorted from 
159 



Swift 

you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your 
natives to be the most pernicious race of 
little odious vermin that nature ever suffered 
to crawl upon the surface of the earth. 



THE PHILOSOPHERS OF LAPUTA. 

[From "A Voyage to Laputa," Chap. II. Gul- 
liver has been cast away on a desert island, 
and has discovered an extraordinary flying island 
coming towards him through the air. It proves to 
be inhabited; and the Laputians, for so the in- 
habitants are called, take Gulliver aboard. The 
following passage describes them. It is a satire 
against philosophers and mathematicians.] 

At my alighting I was surrounded b}'' a 
crowd of people, but those who stood near- 
est seemed to be of better quality. The}- be- 
held me with all the marks and circum- 
stances of wonder; neither indeed was I much 
in their debt, having never till then seen a 
race of mortals so singular in their shapes, 
habits and countenances. Their heads were 
all reclined either to the right or the left ; 
one of their eyes turned inwards, and the 
other directly up to the zenith. Their out- 
ward garments were adorned with the fig- 
ures of suns, moons, and stars, interwoven 
with those of fiddles, flutes, harps, trumpets, 
guitars, harpsichords, and many other in- 
struments of music, unknown to us in Eu- 
160 



Gulliver's Travels 

rope. I observed here and there many in the 
habit of servants, with a blown bladder 
fastened like a flail to the end of a short 
stick, which they carried in their hands. In 
each bladder was a small quantity of dried 
pease, or little pebbles (as I was afterwards 
informed). With these bladders they now 
and then flapped the mouths and ears of 
those who stood near them, of which prac- 
tice I could not then conceive the meaning; 
it seems, the minds of these people are so 
taken up with intense speculations, that they 
neither can speak, nor attend to the dis- 
courses of others, without being roused by 
some external taction upon the organs of 
speech and hearing; for which reason, those 
persons who are able to aflbrd it alwaA^s 
keep a flapper (the original is climenole) in 
their family, as one of their domestics, nor 
ever walk abroad or make visits without 
him. And the business of this officer is, 
when two or more persons are in company, 
genth' to strike with his bladder the mouth 
of him who is to speak, and the right ear of 
him or them to w^hom the speaker address- 
eth himself. This flapper is likewise em- 
ployed diligently to attend his' master in his 
walks, and upon occasion to give him a soft 
flap on his e3^es, because he is always so 
wrapped up in cogitation, that he is in mani- 
fest danger of falling down every precipice, 
and bouncing his head against every post, 
11 161 



Swift 

and in the streets, of jtistling others, or being 
justled himself into the kennel. 

It was necessary to give the reader this 
information, without which he would be at 
the same loss with me, to understand the 
proceedings of these people, as they con- 
ducted me up the stairs, to the top of the 
island, and from thence to the roj'al palace. 
While we were ascending, they forgot several 
times what thej^ were about, and left me to 
myself, till their memories were again roused 
by their flappers ; for they appeared alto- 
gether unmoved b}^ the sight of mv foreign 
habit and countenance, and by the shouts of 
the vulgar, whose thoughts and minds were 
more disengaged. 

At last we entered the palace, and pro- 
ceeded into the chamber of presence, where I 
saw the King seated on his throne, attended 
on each side by persons of prime quality. 
Before the throne, was a large table filled 
with globes and spheres, and mathematical 
instruments of all kinds. His Majest^^ took 
not the least notice of us, although our en- 
trance was not without sufiicient noise, by 
the concourse of all persons belonging to the 
court. But he was then deep in a problem, 
and we attended at least an hour, before he 
could solve it. There stood by him on each 
side, a young page, with flaps in their hands, 
and when they saw he was at leisure, one of 
them gently struck his mouth, and the other 
162 



Gulliver's Travels 

his right ear ; at which he started ^like one 
awaked on the sudden, and looking towards 
me, and the company I was in, recollected 
the occasion of our coming, Avhereof he had 
been informed before. He spoke some words, 
whereupon immediately a young man with a 
flap came up to my side, and flapped me 
gently on the right ear; but I made signs, 
as well as I could, that I had no occasion 
for such an instrument ; w^hich, as I after- 
wards found, gave his Majesty and the whole 
court a very mean opinion of my under- 
standing. The King, as far as I could con- 
jecture, asked me several questions, and I 
addressed myself to him in all the languages 
I had. When it was found, that I could 
neither understand nor be understood, I was 
conducted by his order to an apartment in 
his palace (this prince being distinguished 
above all his predecessors for his hospitality 
to strangers), w^here two servants w^ere ap- 
pointed to attend me. My dinner was 
brought, and four persons of quality, whom 
I remembered to have seen very near the 
King's person, did me the honour to dine w4th 
me. We had two courses, of three dishes 
each. In the first course, there was a shoul- 
der of mutton, cut into an equilateral tri- 
angle, a piece of beef into a rhomboides, and 
a pudding into a cycloid. The second course 
was two ducks, trussed up into the form of 
fiddles; sausages and puddings resembling 
163 



Swift 

flutes and haut-boys, and a breast of veal in 
the shape of a harp. The servants cut our 
bread into cones, c\'linders, parallelograms, 
and several other mathematical figures. 

While v^^e were at dinner, I made bold to 
ask the names of several things in their 
language; and those noble persons, by the 
assistance of their flappers, delighted to give 
me answers, hoping to raise my admiration 
of their great abilities, if I could be brought 
to converse with them. I was soon able to 
call for bread and drink, or whatever else I 
wanted. 

After dinner my compam^ withdrew, and a 
person was sent to me by th^ King's order, 
attended by a flapper. He brought with him 
pen, ink, and paper, and three or four books, 
giving me to understand by signs, that he 
was sent to teach me the language. We sat 
too:ether four hours, in which time I wrote 
down a great number of words m columns, 
with the translations over against them. I 
likewise made a shift to learn several short 
sentences. For my tutor would order one of 
my servants to fetch something, to turn 
about, to make a bow, to sit, or stand, or 
w^alk, and the like. Then I took down the 
sentences in writing. He showed me also in 
one of his books, the figures of the sun, 
moon, and stars, the zodiac, the tropics, and 
polar circles, together with the denomina- 
tions of many planes and solids. He gave 
164 



Gulliver's Travels 

me the names and descriptions of all the 
musical instruments, and the general terms 
of art in playing on each of them. After he 
had left me, I placed all my words with their 
interpretation in alphabetical order. And 
thus in a few days, by the help of a very 
faithful memory, I got some insight into their 
language. 

The word, which I interpret the Flying or 
Floating Island, is in the original Laputa, 
whereof I could never learn the true ety- 
mology. Lap in the old obsolete language 
signifieth high, and untuh, a governor, from 
which they say, by corruption, was derived 
Laputa, from Lapunttih. But I do not 
approve of this derivation, which seems to 
be a Httle strained. I ventured to offer to 
the learned among them a conjecture of my 
own, that Laputa was quasi lap outed; lap 
signifying properly the dancing of the sun- 
beams in the sea, and outed, a wing, which 
however I shall not obtrude, but submit to 
the judicious reader. 

Those to whom the King had entrusted 
me, observing how ill I was clad, ordered a 
tailor to come next morning, and take my 
measure for a suit of clothes. This operator 
did his office after a diiferent manner from 
those of his trade in Europe. He first took 
my altitude by a quadrant, and then with a 
rule and compasses, described the dimensions 
and outlines of my whole body, all which he 
165 



Swift 

entered upon paper, and in six days brought 
my clothes ver}^ ill made, and quite out of 
shape, by happening to mistake a figure in 
the calculation. But mj^ comfort was, that 
I observed such accidents very frequent, and 
little regarded. 

During my confinement for want of clothes, 
and b\^ an indisposition that held me some 
days longer, I much enlarged mx" dictionary ; 
and when I went next to court, was able to 
understand many things the King spoke, and 
to return him some kind of answers. His 
Majesty had given orders that the island 
should move north-east and by east, to the 
vertical point over Lagado, the metropolis 
of the whole kingdom below upon the firm 
earth. It was about ninety leagues distant, 
and our voyage lasted four days and a half. 
I was not in the least sensible of the pro- 
gressive motion made in the air by the 
island. On the second morning about eleven 
o'clock, the King himself in person, attended 
by his nobility, courtiers, and ofiicers, having 
prepared all their musical instruments, 
plaj'cd on them for three hours without in- 
termission, so that I ^vas quite stunned w4th 
the noise ; neither could I possibly guess the 
meaning, till my tutor informed me. He said 
that the people of their island had their ears 
adapted to hear the music of the spheres, 
which always played at certain periods, and 
the court was now prepared to bear their 
166 



Gulliver's Travels 

part in whatever instrument the\' most 
excelled. 

In our journey towards Lagado, the capital 
city, his Majesty ordered that the island 
should stop over certain towms and villages, 
from whence he might receive the petitions of 
his subjects. And to this purpose several 
pack-threads were let down with small 
weights at the bottom. On these pack- 
threads the people strung their petitions, 
which mounted up directly like the scraps of 
paper fastened by school-boj's at the end of 
the string that holds their kite. Sometimes 
we received w^ine and victuals from below, 
w^hich were drawn up by pulleys. 

The knowledge I had in mathematics gave 
me great assistance in acquiring their phrase- 
ology, which depended much upon that sci- 
ence and music ; and in the latter I w^as not 
unskilled. Their ideas are perpetually con- 
versant in lines and figures. If they w^ould, 
for example, praise the beauty of a woman, 
or an}^ other animal, they describe it by 
rhombs, circles, parallelograms, ellipses, and 
other geometrical terms, or by w^ords of art 
drawn from music, needless here to repeat. 
I observed in the King's kitchen all sorts of 
mathematical and musical instruments, after 
the figures of w^hich the\^ cut up the joints 
that were served to his Majesty's table. 

Their houses are very ill built, the walls 
bevil, without one right angle in any apart- 
167 



Swift 

ment, and this defect ariseth from the con- 
tempt they bear to practical geometry, which 
they despise as vulgar and mechanic, those 
instructions they give being too refined for 
the intellectuals of their workmen, which 
occasions perpetual mistakes. And although 
the\' are dexterous enough upon a piece of 
paper in the management of the rule, the 
pencil, and the divider, yet in the common 
actions and behaviour of life, I have not seen 
a more clums\^, awkward, and unhandy 
people, nor so slow and perplexed in their 
conceptions upon all other subjects, except 
those of mathematics and music. They are 
very bad reasoners, and vehemently given to 
opposition, unless when the^^ happen to be of 
the right opinion, which is seldom their case. 
Imagination, fanc}-, and invention, the}'- are 
v\,'holh' strangers to, nor have an\^ words 
in their language b}^ which those ideas can 
be expressed; the whole compass of their 
thoughts and mind being shut up within the 
two forementioned sciences. 

Most of them, and especialh^ those w^ho 
deal in the astronomical part, have great 
faith in judicial astrolog}', although they are 
ashamed to own it publicl3\ But what I 
chiefly admired, and thought altogether un- 
accountable, was the strong disposition I 
observed in them towards news and politics, 
perpetually enquiring into public affairs, giv- 
ing their judgments in matters of state, and 
168 



Gulliver's Travels 

passionately disputing every inch of a party 
opinion, I have indeed observed the same 
disposition among most of the mathemati- 
cians I have known in Europe, although I 
could never discover the least analogy be- 
tw^een the two sciences ; unless those people 
suppose, that because the smallest circle hath 
as many degrees as the largest, therefore the 
regulation and management of the world 
require no more abilities than the handling 
and turning of a globe. But I rather take 
this quality to spring from a very common 
infirmity of human nature, inclining us to be 
more curious and conceited in matters where 
we have least concern, and for which we are 
least adapted either by study or nature. 

These people are under continual disquiet- 
udes, never enjoying a minute's peace of 
mind; and their disturbances proceed from 
causes which very little afiect the rest of 
mortals. Their apprehensions arise from sev- 
eral changes they dread in the celestial bod- 
ies. For instance; that the earth, by the 
continual approaches of the sun towards it, 
must in course of time be absorbed, or swal- 
lowed up. That the face of the sun will by 
degrees be encrusted with its own effluvia, 
and give no more light to the world. That 
the earth very narrowly escaped a brush 
from the tail of the last comet, which would 
have infallibly reduced it to ashes ; and that 
the next, which they have calculated for one 
169 



Swift 

and thirty years hence, will probably destroy 
us. For, if in its perihelion it should ap- 
proach within a certain degree of the sun 
(as by their calculations they have reason to 
dread) it will receive a degree of heat ten 
thousand times more intense than that of a 
red-hot giowmg iron ; and in its absence from 
the sun, carry a blazing tail ten hundred 
thousand and fourteen miles long; through 
which if the earth should pass at the distance 
of one hundred thousand miles from the 
nucleus or main body of the comet, it must 
in its passage be set on fire, and reduced to 
ashes. That the sun daily spending its rays 
without am^ nutriment to supph^ them, will 
at last be wholly consumed and annihilated ; 
w^hich must be attended with the destruction 
of this earth, and of all the planets that re- 
ceive their light from it. 

Thev are so perpetually alarmed with the 
apprehensions of these and the like impending 
dangers, that the\' can neither sleep quietly 
in their beds, nor have any relish for the 
common pleasures or amusements of life. 
When they meet an acquaintance in the 
morning, the first question is about the sun's 
health, how he looked at his setting and ris- 
ing, and what hopes they have to avoid the 
stroke of the approaching comet. This con- 
versation the\^ are apt to run into with the 
same temper that bo^-s discover, in delight- 
ing to hear terrible stories of sprites and 
170 



Gulliver's Travels 

hobgoblins, which they greedily listen to, 
and dare not go to bed for fear. 

The women of the island have abundance 
of vivacity: they contemn their husbands, 
and are exceedingly fond of strangers, 
v^hereof there is aKvays a considerable num- 
ber from the continent below^, attending at 
court, either upon affairs of the several 
towns and corporations, or their own partic- 
ular occasions, but are much despised, be- 
cause they want the same endowmients. 
Among these the ladies choose their gallants : 
but the vexation is, that they act wath too 
much ease and security, for the husband is 
always so rapt in speculation, that the mis- 
tress and lover may proceed to the greatest 
familiarities before his face, if he be but pro- 
vided with paper and implements, and with- 
out his flapper at his side. 

The wives and daughters lament their con- 
finement to the island,, although I think it 
the most delicious spot of ground in the 
world; and although they live here in the 
greatest plenty and magnificence, and are 
allowed to do whatever they please, they 
long to see the world, and take the diver- 
sions of the metropolis, w^hich they are not 
allowed to do without a particular license 
from the King; and this is not easy to be* 
obtained, because the people of quality have 
found, by frequent experience, how hard it is 
to persuade their women to return from be- 
171 



Swift 

low. I was told that a great court lady, 
who had several children, is married to the 
prime minister, the richest subject in the 
kingdom, a very graceful person, extremely 
fond of her, and lives in the finest palace of 
the island, went down to Lagado, on the 
pretence of health, there hid herself for sev- 
eral months, till the King sent a warrant to 
search for her, and she was found in an ob- 
scure eating-house all in rags, having pawned 
her clothes to maintain an old deformed 
footman, who beat her everj^ day, and in 
whose company she was taken much against 
her wnll. And although her husband received 
her with all possible kindness, and without 
the least reproach, she soon after contrived 
to steal down again v^4th all her jewels, to 
the same gallant, and hath not been heard of 
since. 

This may perhaps pass with the reader 
rather for an European or English story, 
than for one of a country so remote. But 
he may please to consider, that the caprices 
of womankind are not limited b}^ any climate 
or nation, and that they are much more 
uniform than can be easily imagined. 

In about a month's time I had made a 
tolerable proficiency in their language, and 
was able to answer most of the King's 
questions, when I had the honour to attend 
him. His Majesty" discovered not the least 
curiosity to enquire into the laws, govem- 
172 



Gulliver's Travels 

ment, history, religion, or manners of the 
countries where I had been, but confined his 
questions to the state of mathematics, and 
received the account I gave him wath great 
contempt and indifference, though often 
roused by his flapper on each side. 



THE ENGLISH YAHOOS. 

[From "A Voyage to the Country of the Hou- 
yhnhnms," Chapter V. The fourth and last of 
Gulliver's voyages brings him to a land where 
horses (the Houyhnhnms) have every virtue and 
govern the state, while men (the Yahoos) are 
beasts, only sunk in worse than bestial degrada- 
tion. Much of this fourth book of voyages is too 
repulsive for quotation, but there is a passage of 
perennial significance in this fifth chapter, describ- 
ing human warfare as it may be conceived to 
appear to an enlightened brute, like Gulliver's 
Houyhnhnm master.] 

The reader may please to observe, that the 
foUov^ang extract of many conversations I 
had with my master, contains a summary of 
the most material points, which were dis- 
4 coursed at several times for above two 
years ; his Honour often desiring fuller satis- 
faction as I farther improved in the Hou- 
yhnhnm tongue. I laid before him, as well 
as I could, the whole state of Europe; I dis- 
coursed of trade and manufactures, of arts 
and sciences; and the answers I gave to all 
173 



Swift 

the questions he made, as they arose upon 
several subjects, were a fund of conversation 
not to be exhausted. But I shall here only 
set down the substance of what jDassed be- 
tween us concerning mj^ own countr\^, reduc- 
ing it into order as well as I can, without 
any regard to time or other circumstances, 
"while I strictly adhere to truth. My only 
concern is, that I shall hardly be able to do 
justice to my master's arguments and ex- 
pressions, which must needs suffer by my 
want of capacity, as well as by a transla- 
tion into our barbarous English. 

In obedience, therefore, to his Honour's com- 
mands, I related to him the Revolution under 
the Prince of Orange; the long war with 
France entered into by the said prince, and 
renewed by his successor, the present Queen, 
wherein the greatest powers of Christendom 
were engaged, and which still continued : I 
computed at his request that about a million 
of Yahoos might have been killed in the 
whole progress of it; and perhaps a hundred 
or more cities taken, and thrice as many 
ships burned or sunk. 

He asked me what were the usual causes 
or motives that made one country go to 
war with another. I answered they were 
innumerable; but I should only mention a 
few of the chief. Sometimes the ambition of 
princes, who never think they have land or 
people enough to govern; sometimes the 
174 



Gulliver's Travels 

corruption of ministers, who engage their 
master in a war in order to stifle or divert 
the clamour of the subjects against their evil 
administration. Difference in opinions hath 
cost many millions of lives: for instance, 
whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; 
whether the juice of a certain berry be blood 
or wine; whether whistling be a vice or a 
virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, 
or throw it into the fire; what is the best 
colour for a coat, whether black, white, red, 
or gray; and whether it should be long or 
short, narrow or wide, dirty or clean ; with 
manv more. Neither are any wars so furi- 
ous and bloody, or of so long continuance, 
as those occasioned b}' difference in opinion, 
especialh' if it be in things indiflferent. 

Sometimes the quarrel between two princes 
is to decide which of them shall dispossess 
a third of his dominions, where neither of 
them pretend to any right. Sometimes one 
prince quarreleth with another, for fear the 
other should quarrel with him. Sometimes 
a war is entered upon, because the enemy is 
too strong, and sometimes because he is too 
weak. Sometimes our neighbours want the 
things which we have, or have the things 
which we want ; and we both fight, till they 
take ours or give us theirs. It is a very 
justifiable cause of a war to invade a coun- 
try after the people- have been wasted by 
famine, destro^^ed by pestilence, or embroiled 
175 



Swift 

by factions among themselves. It is justifi- 
able to enter into war against our nearest 
ally, when one of his towns lies convenient 
for us, or a territory of land, that would 
render our dominions round and complete. 
If a prince sends forces into a nation, where 
the people are poor and ignorant, he may 
lawfully put half of them to death, and make 
slaves of the rest, in order to civilize and 
reduce them from their barbarous wa}^ of 
living. It is a A^ery kingly, honourable, and 
frequent practice, when one prince desires the 
assistance of another to secure him against 
an invasion, that the assistant, when he 
hath driven out the invader, should seize on 
the dominions himself, and kill, imprison, or 
banish the prince he came to relieve. Alli- 
ance by blood or marriage, is a frequent 
cause of war bet\veen princes; and the nearer 
the kindred is, the greater is their disposi- 
tion to quarrel: poor nations are hungry, 
and rich nations are proud; and pride and 
hunger will ever be at variance. For these 
reasons, the trade of a soldier is held the 
most honourable of all others ; because a sol- 
dier is a Yahoo hired to kill in cold blood as 
many of his own species, w^ho have never 
offended him, as possibly he can. 

There is likewise a kind of beggarly princes 
in Europe, not able to make war by them- 
selves, who hire out their troops to richer 
nations, for so much a day to each man ; of 
176 



Gulliver's Travels 

which they keep three-fourths to themselves, 
and it is the best part of their maintenance ; 
such are those in Germany and other north- 
ern parts of Europe. 

What you have told me, (said my master) 
upon the subject of \var, does indeed discover 
most admirably the effects of that reason 
you pretend to: however, it is happy that 
the shame is greater than the danger; and 
that nature hath left you utterly uncapable 
of doing much mischief. 

For your mouths lying flat with your 
faces, you can hardly bite each other to any 
purpose, unless by consent. Then as to the 
claws upon your feet before and behind, they 
are so short and tender, that one of our 
Yahoos v^ould drive a dozen of yours before 
him. And therefore in recounting the num- 
bers of those who have been killed in battle, 
I cannot but think that you have said the 
thing- which is not. 

I could not forbear shaking my head, and 
smiling a little at his ignorance. And being 
no stranger to the art of war, I gave him a 
description of cannons, culverins, muskets, 
carbines, pistols, bullets, powder, swords, 
bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats, attacks, 
undermines, countermines, bombardments, 
sea fights ; ships sunk with a thousand men, 
twenty thousand killed on each side; dying 
groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, 
confusion, trampling to death under horses' 
12 177 



Swift 

feet; flight, pursuit, victory; fields strewed 
with carcasses left for food to dogs, and 
wolves, and birds of pray ; plundering, strip- 
ping, ravishing, burning, and destro^'ing. 
And to set forth the valour of mj- own dear 
countrymen, I assured him, that I had seen 
them blow up a hundred enemies at once in 
a siege, and as many in a ship, and beheld 
the dead bodies come down in pieces from the 
clouds, to the great diversion of the spec- 
tators. 

I was going on to more particulars, when 
my master commanded me silence. He said, 
whoever understood the nature of Yahoos 
might easil}^ believe it possible for so vile an 
animal, to be capable of every action I had 
named, if their strength and cunning equalled 
their malice. But as m^^ discourse had in- 
creased his abhorrence of the whole species, 
so he found it gave him a disturbance in his 
mind, to which he was wholly a stranger 
before. He thought his ears being used to 
such abominable words, might bj- degrees 
admit them with less detestation. That 
although he hated the Yahoos of this coun- 
try', 3^et he no more blamed them for their 
odious qualities, than he did a gnnayh (a 
bird of prey) for its cruelty, or a sharp stone 
for cutting his hoof But when a creature 
pretending to reason, could be capable of 
such enormities, he dreaded lest the corrup- 
tion of that faculty might be worse than 
178 



Gulliver's Travels 

brutalit}^ itself. He seemed therefore confi- 
dent, that instead of reason, we were only 
possessed of some quality fitted to increase 
our natural vices; as the reflection from a 
troubled stream returns the image of an ill- 
shapen bod\^, not onh' larger, but more dis- 
torted. 



179 



The Dean's Epitaph 



181 



\l 



The Dean's Epitaph. 

[Swift was buried beside Esther Johnson 
(Stella) in his own Cathedral, St. Patrick's, Dub- 
lin. His epitaph was written by himself.] 



HIC DEPOSITUM EST CORPUS 

JONATHAN SWIFT, S.T.P. 

HUJUS ECCLESI.E CATHEDRALIS 

DECANI. 

UBI S.EVA INDIGNATIO 

COR ULTERIUS LACERARE NEQUIT. 

ABI VIATOR, 

ET IMITARE SI POTERIS, 

STRENUUM PRO VIRILI LIBERTATIS VINDICEM. 



183 



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. , , Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
<^'i^^ -1 Treatment Date: March 2009 

.^ PreservationTechnologJes 

;^. A^ * WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

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Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
(724)779-2111 







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